Saying Goodbye {Seth's Story Part 3}

When we got to the NICU on Sunday morning, Seth wasn’t oxygenating well.  When he was on the ventilator that was delivering the flo lan and he wasn’t able to get rid of the CO2, when on the oscillator he wasn’t able to get enough oxygen.

The doctors made sure we were close to him.  His nurses made space for us.

Someone was pulling air out of his chest manually every minute.

Things weren’t improving.

After consulting with the respiratory specialist the decision was made to attempt to deliver the flo lan through the oscillator that he responded well to.  It had never been done, but they decided to try.

After several minutes it became apparent that it wasn’t working.  He had several nurses working hard pulling air off his chest.

His little lungs weren’t working properly and his oxygen levels had been low for a very long time.

We eventually heard the words we had dreaded.  Things weren’t working; there was nothing else they could do for him.

We were given the opportunity to hold Seth.  I couldn’t wait to get my arms around him.  I finally had the chance to hold my sweet baby boy, to kiss his sweet cheeks.  It was bittersweet.

We were able to sing to him. 

Pray over him. 

Talk to him. 

Tell him how much we loved him. 

How proud we were of him. 

How thankful we were to be his parents.

How it was okay for him to run to Jesus.

It was such a sweet time and such a painful time.

We kept our eye on his numbers knowing our time with him was limited.

Eventually his doctor checked his heart.

He was gone.

He went from our arms into the arms of Jesus.

I didn’t want to let him go.

I wanted to hold my baby forever.

But eventually I was able to let go.

His nurses removed his tubes.  Told us that they would clean him up and bring him to us.

As we left the NICU I hated walking out of those doors without Seth.

That morning I made a playlist for Seth.  We quickly grabbed our computer and headed to a room they told us to go

While we waited I just poured my heart out to Jesus through songs.

Our nurses washed his little body before they brought him to us, his hair was so soft and the same color of his brother’s hair was when they were born. We finally were able to see him without any tubes.

My parents and sister were there and they were able to hold him as well.  Marvin’s brother, our sister-in-law and nephews were there too.  They were able to cry with us. 

When the time came to say goodbye Marvin prayed.

Seth’s nurse came in.  We had asked for his footprints.  She had already made a little mold of his footprints and handprints for us, but I wanted to have his footprints inked to put them in my Bible.

Then we had to give him to the nurse.  I think that was the toughest thing I have ever done.  Even though I knew he was with Jesus, completely restored.  It was so hard to hand him to her, knowing the next time I would see him would be in eternity.

But we did.

The Lord gave us the strength.

Seth forever changed our family.

Even though our hearts still long to have a different ending, we’re so thankful to be Seth’s parents.  We were so blessed to get to have him even for just a few days.

Going back just a few weeks ago, his name just feels so fitting.

Seth Asher….anointed and blessed.

Oh how we’ve been so blessed through Seth’s life.

The NICU…Seth’s Story part 2

Seth was immediately taken to the NICU after he was stable where his doctors quickly put drainage tubes in both sides of his chest cavity, to drain the fluid that had accumulated in his chest cavity.

His drainage tubes were working initially and doing their job.  They were also taking air out of his chest.

We were hopeful that things would improve.

We were very thankful to have our family there to meet Seth. 

Hold his little hand. 

Say hello. 

And share in our joy.

 He even opened his eyes for his big brother Calvin.

Immediately our doctors and nurses told us we could see him at anytime and truly made us feel welcome at his bedside.

He had amazing doctors and nurses.

As soon as I could I got my first peek at my sweet son, several hours after his birth.  He was so beautiful.  He even moved his arms around a bit

Part of me was overjoyed to be able to touch him, overjoyed that he was stable.

Part of me was aching that I couldn’t wrap my arms around him.

But my heart was swelling with love for this sweet little guy.

Since my body was still recovering from major surgery I had a tough time staying as long as I wanted that first meeting.  So I went back to get some rest, and woke up a few hours later to be wheeled down to spend some time with him in the middle of the night.

He was relatively stable that first night, and I just enjoyed soaking up all I could of Seth.  Praying my little heart out for him.  Begging God to heal his little body.  Asking Him to prepare me for the road ahead.  Praying that it would be a steady road to good health in the NICU.

The next morning, Saturday, Marvin and I both were able to spend some time with Seth.

Our doctor came in sometime mid morning telling us that his blood pressure was not stable and they needed to give him a transfusion and platelets to help get this to a normal range.  I remember trying to ask the doctor as many questions as I could think of and just praying that it would help.

It appeared to work, but as the day went on air was building up in his chest and second drainage tubes were placed to try to keep up with the fluid and air.

Throughout this we took little breaks from the NICU to rest.  I was frustrated that my body wouldn’t allow me to sit beside his bed.  I felt helpless to do anything to make things better.

Later that evening, Marvin came to get me.  Seth was not doing well.  The air that was building up in his chest was being manually drawn from his chest with syringes.  When I walked in there were a flood of doctors and nurses working desperately to help him. He was blue.  I was heartbroken.

The decision was made to try a new drug to regulate the pressure of his lungs, but he had to be on a different ventilator.  The respiratory specialist and both NICU doctors were there.  I remember praying and watching his numbers.  Praying they’d go up.  Eventually they did.  But this ventilator wasn’t one that Seth responded well to, so they had to keep switching him between the one which could deliver this drug and the oscillator.

His doctors had researched a new procedure that that had hoped would close the fistula that was leaking air to his chest cavity.

After lots of calls to various hospitals, many doctor’s consultations they decided they had to try a new procedure.  They injected this drug that would react with the fluid in his chest and hopefully act as glue to fuse this fistula closed.  They would know in a few hours if it worked. So Marvin and I tried to get some sleep.

I hated leaving him there, but I was exhausted and my legs were swelling by the minute and it was becoming very uncomfortable to sit by his bedside.  So we said goodnight and got some sleep.

The next morning we both got ready and headed to the NICU.  I remember praying that the Lord would carry us through that day.  I looked at Marvin and even said, “We can do this.”  We both were very scared, not knowing if it would be the day we would have to say goodbye.  Praying desperately that these procedures would work and that Seth would improve.

Seth's Story-part 1

I’m not quite sure where to start. 

I’ve struggled with what to write in this little space of mine. 

Not quite sure how to adequately find the words to communicate what has taken place in the last two weeks.  I’m not sure I ever will, but Seth has such a sweet story and he’s forever a part of our family, even though he’s not longer with us.

So I’ll start on Tuesday with my doctor’s appointment……….

Walking back to the ultrasound I was shaking, I was so scared, but as I saw Seth on the screen not knowing what this all meant for his little body, I couldn’t help but be amazed at how sweet the Lord created him.  To see him as I felt him moving was so special. 

Then the doctor came in and shared with us the reality that Seth was very sick.  The pressure of the fluid surrounding his lungs and heart were causing his heart to overwork and causing cardiac failure.  Through tears I prayed as we received details about what would take place next.  Praying that this would work, praying that Seth would live.

I was quickly admitted to the hospital and began the process of getting prepped for our first drainage of fluid from his chest cavity.  Through tears I changed into a hospital gown, praying for the Lord to give me strength to endure whatever was ahead.

The first procedure went well, although Seth did not like it at all, he put up a fight as they poked him with the needle.  He also moved as they finished draining his left chest cavity, which nicked the placenta.  But we watched his heart respond well to the treatment and we were encouraged.  That night we prayed for no more fluid to accumulate, asking God for to heal Seth.

The next morning, Wednesday, I saw the doctor again and it looked just like the day before, all the fluid was back.  Thankfully his heart was doing well and still responding positively to the fluid drainage.  Since my placenta was nicked my doctor didn’t want to risk that happening again, so he decided to postpone another drainage until the following day.  I appreciated a day to recover before I had another procedure.

The next day my doctor decided he needed to drain amniotic fluid so that he could reach Seth with his needle.  I had so much fluid.  They ended up draining 2 liters of fluid before they went in again to drain more fluid off of Seth’s left cavity.  It was a long procedure, but everything went well and they were able to drain off most all of the fluid from Seth’s left side again, unfortunately they couldn’t get to his right side due his position.  That evening I recovered while Marvin spent the night with Calvin, and Micah at our apartment in Kansas City.

The next morning Marvin took the boys to my cousin’s and as my doctor came in and told me my appointment was earlier than planned I gave Marvin a quick call and he booked it back to the hospital.  He got to the hospital just in time to be there when the doctor came in.  Again the fluid reaccumulated, of course I was heart broken it wasn’t working.  Our doctor told us the day before I probably would deliver before 34 weeks but I had no idea it would be that day. 

I was shocked. 

Scared beyond belief. 

I so wanted so desperately for him to stay inside me for longer. 

I was only 32 weeks and 5 days.

My doctor felt that Seth was healthy enough for delivery and worried that the longer his chest continued to swell with fluid would cause more damage to his heart.  He was in a good place and hoped that draining the fluid off after birth would do the trick.

They decided to drain more amniotic fluid, and drain his left side again so that they only needed to concentrate on his right side.  They quickly began prepping me for a c-section.  Gave me magnesium to help prevent CP, a flurry of doctors came in to have us sign all sorts of paperwork.  Thankfully we had planned on Marvin’s parents taking the boys for the weekend, so a quick call to his brother they knew that Seth was going to be born that day.  My mom came up to help watch the boys and once we talked to my dad he was on his way too.

I was praying constantly.  So thankful for our sweet nurse who was a believer that was with me while Marvin waited for the c-section to begin. 

I’m so thankful that Marvin could be with me during delivery.

The entire time I was praying he would be born alive.

They finished up the two procedures.  Then Marvin was able to come in.

The room was surrounded with doctors and nurses.  The C-Section didn’t take too long.

Tears were flowing down my checks. 

Gripping Marvin’s hand. 

Praying to hear a cry.

At 2:13 p.m. on June 1, 2012 we heard the sweetest two cries in our lives.

Then doctors quickly went to work making sure Seth was stable.  Even though we had no idea what was to come we were thankful that Seth was with us and that he was alive.

His birth was filled with fear but it was such a beautiful experience feeling the Lord hold us throughout it.

Seth Asher you are such a gift.  I’m so thankful we got to welcome you into the world.

about Tuesday

As we were sitting in the waiting room for our appointment on Tuesday another woman sat down with her husband and I recognized the pain, fear, heartbreak in her eyes.  Oh how I knew all those things too well, I was experiencing all those things at that current moment.  I knew if I opened my mouth, the tears would come unleashed, so I prayed for her and what was to come for us in just a few short minutes when we would be seen by the doctor. 

I don’t think you are ever prepared for the words cardiac failure to be spoken about your unborn child.  Those words take your breath away.  But somehow the L allowed us to breath.  He’s helped get us through some very uncomfortable procedures, taken away the fear and given his shoulder to cry on.

A local believing friend in Nineveh skyped yesterday and her words brought tears to my eyes.  She simply said, “Hold on to the cross.”  How easy is it to take my grip off of the only thing that sustains us in our time of need.

I’m holding on tight today.

“The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble; He cares for those who trust in Him”

Nahum 1:7

today

Today I’m thankful for so many things.  It’s amazing to see how the L orchestrated everything in the last two weeks.  Sometimes it’s mind boggling that we are sitting in the hospital in America, but we are thankful to be in such great care.

Today I’m trying to rejoice, for “This is the day that the L has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.”  Rejoicing is hard, when my heart is filled with worry and to be honest sometimes I let the fear overcome me.  It’s hard to be present today, in this very minute and not worry about the future.  

But today is what we are promised.  It is not up to me to know how many days the Lord has entrusted our sweet Seth into our care, but today I’m reveling in each and every kick, hearing his little swishing heart on the monitor and getting a peak at him often through ultra sounds.  I do not know what will be in store for his life, but I know he’s been a huge blessing and part of our family already. 

And that is plenty to rejoice in today.

He has a name

We finally settled on a name for our sweet little man.

Seth Asher

Seth means Anointed

Asher means blessed

We felt like both these fit our little guy.  We know the Lord has anointed his life and will be used for his glory and he already has been a blessing.

So we’d appreciate your prayers for our little Seth Asher.  He has a lot of work to do to prepare for his birth.

A New Journey

Many of you have already heard the news but I thought I’d post it here.

Last Friday I had an ultrasound in our city and unfortunately we received some very tough news.  During the ultrasound they found fluid in the baby’s chest cavity surrounding the lungs and heart.  I knew it was a problem but didn’t quite know the words they were using to describe it, so after coming home and translating all the documents and talking with our doctor in Istanbul it was determined it is a clear case of fetal hydrothorax.  She was wonderful helping us figure out what was going on and locating places in Istanbul to help treat it.  However our company feels like it is a serious problem due to the amount of fluid our baby has on both side of his chest cavity.  Our amazing team of doctors and nurses afelt like the baby cannot get the care he needs in Istanbul and told us on Monday it’s best to go the states and seek out a good hospital in a large city with an excellent perinatology department with a good NICU.  We have made an appointment for this following Tuesday at KU Med in Kansas City.

It’s been a very emotional weekend and week.  The thought of going to America completely caught us off guard.  Right now we’re trusting the Lord for his healing of our little guy.  We know the Lord knew of this long before we did and he’s knit this little one perfectly in my womb.  It’s amazing how much we already love him and want what is best for him.  We’re trusting him to help guide us down a road we never thought we would have to enter and praying that he gives us the strength we need each and every step.

We hop on a plane for the first leg of our trip in just a few short hours.  We still have to tie up some last minute packing and make sure our house is nice and tidy before leaving.  

As we leave please pray for us as we don’t really know what is in store for our family’s future. Pr that the Lord fills our heart with peace and that we turn to him in when we are utterly gripped with fear.

Pray for our boys and this transition, specifically Calvin who loves his routine.  Also pr that we can survive the long flight with our active little Micah!

Pray that the L heals this precious baby boy, that the fluid would disappear and the concerns the doctors have at this moment would not be an issue when he is born.  Pray for us as we make decisions in the coming weeks regarding the treatment and well being of our baby.

Pray that we will make the best decision regarding housing in Kansas City.  We’re so thankful for the many offers we have right now.  We’ve been overwhelmed by all the support we’ve been given recently.

Thank you friends.

The Great Escape

It only took him 18 months,

but Micah’s mastered climbing out of his crib. 

In his sleep sack.

Bravo little man, bravo.   

This morning I woke up to giggling in the living room.  

I walked in to find this little guy happily playing with his brother.

He looked pretty proud of himself.

Then Calvin said:

“When I opened my eyes this morning I felt something hard and I thought it was a rock, but it wasn’t it was Micah.  He was sleeping by the crack and the wall.  How did he get in my bed?”

Oh boy. 

This drastically changes things around here.

Counting

22

The number of days Marvin will be home between May 1^st and we leave on June 24^th for Turkey.

It’s going to be a busy couple of months and I’m already trying to get ready for the long 18 day stretch where he’ll be in America in June.  (Marvin agreed to this trip before he knew I would be super pregnant.)

6

lessons I hope to get through before we leave the country I to have  baby #3.  (I may be a bit ambitious, we’ll see.

4

teeth trying to come through in Mr. Micah’s mouth.  He’s been a drooly, fussy, fussy boy.

3

drawings Calvin’s decided to add to our walls and cushions in the past couple of weeks.  Seriously WHY????????

PTL hairspray really does take pen marks out of fabric.

1

Brand new shiny fridge in my kitchen.  I can’t believe how much bigger it is.

The number of times Micah’s pooped in the bathtub recently?

 Way too many.

Ladies Trip

I got to take a little trip last week and spend some time with some very sweet friends.  I am always so encouraged by these ladies and this trip was no exception.  To get caught up on their family's lives, see a few of their kids before they head off to college, soak up some sweet words of wisdom, it was FABULOUS.

It’s just nice to sit an ask women who get what my life is like questions about how to manage everything, deal with VERY active boys, apartment living questions, language questions, etc. 

Even the part where we were stuck in an elevator for 30 minutes wasn’t too bad.

I did find out I’m highly allergic to birch pollen.  The city was filled with it and one evening we even experienced a pollen storm before the rain came through.  The city sky was green due to the pollen, and when the wind picked up there was pollen everywhere.  It was bizarre, but after the rain I could finally breathe.

photo source

A Jack Daniels Burger is pretty hard to resist.  It didn’t disappoint this time around.  Yum!

And a Wendy’s?  It’s the first one I’ve ever seen overseas.  I took a risk and got a frosty.  My itchy throat was very thankful for the cold frosty and I was thankful for no revolting symptoms on the flight home due to the dairy consumption.

It’s nice being pregnant on the metro.  I’m so thankful for all the people who gave up their seat for me.

I even toured a hospital in town and had an appointment.  The hospital was very nice, but I wasn’t a fan of the doctor I saw, who took none of my pregnancy history into consideration and prescribed a list of things.  After a few emails with my doctor in Istanbul, another ultrasound locally, the concerns he had are pretty much normal for my pregnancies.  (I again have excess amniotic fluid)I’m still waiting on one more test result to come back, but hopefully I’ll have a normal pregnancy from here on out. )

The good thing is I got another sneak peak at Charge (we’ve adopted Calvin’s name suggestion for the time being until we decide on a name.)

It was a trip well worth the money.  Thanks to all the fabulous ladies that made this trip so sweet.

Come on In

I know I posted a few pictures of our apartment in the past but I don’t think I ever gave you all the grand tour.

View from our door when you walk in.

View from the other direction

Our little office area

Living room

Kitchen

Boys Room

Our room

The Man Cave (Balcony off of our bedroom)

Toilet room

Bathroom

Come on over anytime.

Balcony Quake

Last week shortly after getting the boys breakfast drilling began in the apartment above us, it’s nothing unusual.  I was thankful they were getting an early start and hoping that maybe they’d be done by nap time.  After I took Calvin to preschool and I came home and we had dust all over our balcony and a started noticing a little crack above our window.  I didn’t think about it much and got ready for a full day of language.

I had to get a book from our room and checked the balcony again and noticed we now had larger crack and could see outside, 10 minutes later the crack grew larger. 

No one must get a permit to do remodeling, and workers aren’t always concerned with structural safety I didn’t know how structurally sound our windows were if they continued to drill.  Honestly I was worried they’d fall out.  Since they were bolted to the floor above us which was disappearing.

I showed our nanny and my language helper and got their advice, called Marvin and sent him a picture of what was going on.  So our nanny went upstairs with me and she let the workers have it, while I chatted with our neighbor.  In the end the workers were “sure” it wouldn’t be a problem and they would fix the gap.  My sweet neighbor even came down to clean up all the dust, twice.

The next day we woke up and there was a blanket hanging down covering our windows, which was really sweet of our neighbors to help prevent any more dust, but today they were welding, which means lots of sparks.  I fully expected to look outside to see a blanket on fire.

Thankfully that didn’t happen, and it turns out they are adding an extension to their balcony.  While this is great for us and gives me a little umbrella for my laundry in case of rain I have a few more minutes before my clothes are soaked, and some shade in the hot afternoon/evenings.  But I hope that their new balcony doesn’t come crashing down anytime soon.

Letters, Letters Everywhere

Shortly after I woke Calvin up one morning he excitedly told me that I had to come in to his room and look at the letter on the wall.  

When I walked in I saw the letter "I" perfectly projected on the wall.  My little boy who loves letters right now was pretty excited.  

Another One Bites the Dust

Seriously the makers of child safety locks need Micah to help them develop their products.

Off to buy another one.

Flash Mob {Ninevite Style}

During dinner this week we heard some music playing and people clapping.  When we looked out the window it was a group of young guys with flags, one of them had an accordion another one in traditional dress and the others were in a circle and dancing.  It was so much fun to watch.

I love how the people here love their culture and dance so much.

Classic

Marvin captured this a few weeks ago.  It’s pretty much how people roll around here.

Of course it needed a few captions, so he added a few.

Neighbor above: “Ahmed, don’t jump.”

Ahmed: “Don’t worry Tembulat, I have my human safety harness on.”

The whole time Ahmed is thinking, “Babushka better hold on tight.”

Bookworm

My little bookworm has been devouring books recently.  I’ve loved it.  We’ve spent lots of time reading during Micah’s naps and in the evenings.  The other day, when their room exploded, he even crawled through the window to the balcony to get some new books.  He’s hungry for literature right now, although we did have a talk about the appropriate way to get new books out of the balcony.

Calvin’s still enjoying his reading program and generally begs me to do it, which helps me get it done when I’m exhausted.  Some days it’s tough to slow him down, as he wants to do multiple lessons, but I want to make sure he knows it before we move on. So I’ve tried to add in more school things to our day.

I’m hoping to add a read aloud chapter book in next.  Any suggestions of books your kids have loved?  I think it will be the perfect way to wind down in the evenings.

40 Carrots

Calvin’s been coming up with a few things we don’t want to forget.

Recently he’s been curious about this new baby growing in my belly.  One day he asked, “When Micah was a baby in your tummy, did he go potty in your belly?”

I of course told him yes, to which he replied with his eyebrows raised, “Ewe that’s kind of disgusting.”

We decorated cookies for our neighbors and Calvin usually averages about 4 cookies when we decorate them.  This day was a struggle, he really just wanted to eat the first cookie he made.  He did spend a long time on it and used all three colors of frosting and lots of sprinkles.  He got stuck on cookie #3 and only wanted to eat the first one.  Finally he just said, “Mama I lost my focus, and I don’t know where I put it.” 

I’m always amazed at how different his play is from what I remember doing as a child.  His world is very different from my Kansas childhood.

We had some friends come to visit and I was amazed at how well they played airport.  From baggage handlers, to boarding passes, to taxi drivers, they had it covered.  I’m pretty sure I didn’t know anything about flying at the age of 4.

He’s been very into a local show when translated is called “Funny Balloons.”  Apparently he's been reenacting a scene from the show recently.  He’s been playing Sorok Markov (40 Carrots) a lot. He takes his cart and wheels it around the house with his “carrots” (various toys) selling carrots.  It cracks us up.  Growing up I never inspired to be a carrot vendor.  How about you?

Measuring Up

I have a few favorite kitchen items.  Of course my kitchen aid mixer ranks #1 but I have a new #2.

When you live in the land where butter has no measurements on its packaging or Crisco sticks, a food scale will rock your world.  I promise.

Seriously why didn’t I think of buying one before?

No more washing greasy measuring cups for me!!!!

Lesson learned

Calvin is an intense kid.  He plays hard.  Dives into projects with his full attention on them and gives them all he’s got.  He works at things until they are perfect.

He also feels things very intensely.  He gets very excited and now we’re working on how to handle strong emotions better and to not sin during them.  So one day he was pretty upset when he lost some privileges, couldn’t handle himself so I had him go to my bed and take a nap.  Long story short we ended up with a broken window that afternoon.

He’s been getting some spending money if he helps with some extra jobs around the house and he decided he wanted to buy a Lego guy with all his money.  Unfortunately we had to take away all the money he had been saving to replace the broken window.  He was crushed.  But it was a good learning lesson for him.  Although his piggy bank is pretty bare right now I think this taught him a little bit about controlling his emotions a little better.  We’ll see.