Thursday, November 15, 2012

30 and 31

Day 30 Your Grief Tell the World
Thankful to share this as part of the Spoken Word Blog Round Up

Day 31 Sunset
I missed Seth as we soaked in this beautiful sunset at the sea this year.  But I’m sure the sights of heaven that Seth sees daily are far richer and far more beautiful.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Continuing to Capture Grief

Day 22 Place of Birth

Day 23 Seth’s Photo

Day 24 Siblings
This picture takes me back to a sweet time of our excitedness to add you to our family.

Day 25 Sweet Gifts
Shortly before I had our earth shaking ultrasound at 31 weeks and 5 days a friend of mine who was moving back to the states had given me some fabric that she thought I might enjoy.  I was so blessed because I really wanted to make something for Seth but just didn’t have any cute new fabric that would be his own.  She gave me some cute whale flannel fabric which I quickly transformed into new burp cloths just for Seth the day after they were in my possession.  I was thrilled to be able to sew something for him as I’ve loved creating things for each of my boys.

Fast forward to the day we said goodbye to Seth.  I was sad that we didn’t bring the blanket that my mom had made for him to the hospital, but the hospital staff found a blanket for us and it was the same fabric that my sweet friend had given me back home half way around the world.  It was such a sweet gift from the hand of God.  That print was my connection to Seth, even though my hands did not sew that blanket which I wrapped around him, it was his print.  Thank you Caitlin, a million times over.

Day 26 Seth’s Age

Day 27 Artwork
Shortly after we returned home a sweet friend gave me this framed picture.  I love that she used two of my favorite photos I have with Seth.  What I also love about is that a local friend of hers made it.

Day 28 Memory
Oh how I wish we would have recorded the two sweet cries we heard in the delivery room. They were an unexpected surprise and brought tears and relief to our worried hearts.  Seth was alive and we heard him cry.  I have felt that Seth gave it all he could to give both Marvin and I each one special gift, a cry.  We heard his voice.  Even though we did not record it digitally it is forever recorded in my mind.

Day 29 Music
Thankful that I have eternity to look forward to.
I cannot wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song.  It’s going to be beautiful.  Some days I’m jealous that Seth’s already enjoying it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Bottling up some squeaky

This is my attempt at bottling up Calvin’s squeaky voice I love so much.

I know the days are coming to an end where he no longer says “Elegator” for elevator, or “I’ve changed my remind”, instead of I’ve changed my mind.  So I'm soaking them up and enjoying each and every one of them.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Capturing Grief {week 3}

Day 15 Wave of light
Missing you Seth as I lit a candle beside a few things that remind me of you.

Day 16 Release
100 balloons floating to heaven. 

Day 17 Due Date
We spent some time with your knees.  What a gift.

Day 18 Family Portrait

Day 19 Project
A book filled with memories of you.

Day 20 Charity
When Seth died, the hospital gave us a box from Little Thunder.  These gifts are still some of the sweetest gifts we have received.  My heart’s desire is to be able to love others in the same way.  Pray for us as we investigate possibilities of giving gifts to those who lose babies in Nineveh.  My heart aches to be able to love on families here.

Day 21 Sacred Place
My newly acquired chair, I placed it in the space where Seth’s bed would have been in our room.  Sometimes it’s just comforting to sit in a place where I anticipated him being.  It’s a place where I meet with Jesus.  A place I often pour out my broken heart before our Father, a place where he is mending my broken heart.  That is sacred.

Sunday, November 11, 2012


I did it.  I reached my goal.  Losing all the baby weight by 4 months postpartum.

It feels good to meet goals.  But what I didn’t expect was to feel unsatisfied and sad at this milestone.

It feels good to fit into the clothes in my closet.

But there is a part of me that just feels pain.

Like a little piece of Seth is gone.  That physical reminder that he was here is now gone.  I physically look the same, but I sure don’t feel the same. 

There are days I just long to hold him.  I wonder what our life would look like now juggling three preschoolers.  

Some days my arms feel heavy with the weight of emptiness.

Some days that crumples me to tears. 

A sweet teammate of ours gave us Tenth Avenue North’s album.

When I heard this song it was the words of my heart that day. 

The truth is my soul often times feels worn. Not in a scary suicidal way but just worn from the pain and heartache that is constantly with me.  Worn with the heaviness of walking this earth without a child, torn between the world I am living in and the one my heart longs for.

I love the part about wanting see Redemption win. I desperately want to see the Lord mend my torn heart.  Isn’t that the beauty in all of this?  That redemption does win.  Sometimes I just need a reminder that He has already won…eternity awaits us.

Until then I’ll always miss my baby.