Friday, March 29, 2013

Good Friday

I’ve thought about Good Friday so much recently, mainly about the heartbreak our Heavenly Father experienced that dark Friday.  So much of this day is focused on Jesus’s suffering and while our salvation depends on it, I feel like it’s not the entire story.  I can just imagine heaven standing still that Friday, watching with a heavy silence what Jesus endured on the cross. That thought alone is enough to break my heart but my humanness can only comprehend a small piece of that pain.

I read this quote in the book called A Symphony in the Dark, Hearing God’s voice in Seasons of Grief that really put words to some emotions I’ve experienced in regards to Jesus’s death.

 “God knows what it is like to have to sit by and watch a beloved only child die.”  Morna Comeau

I’ve thought about how God’s heart must have broken into a million pieces watching his son die a terrible death, when he didn’t deserve any of it.  I know my heart broke into a million of pieces as I watched Seth’s tiny body fight for oxygen, slowly turning blue, but he was nestled in my arms a place of love and comfort.  How much more heartbreaking our Father experienced watching his son take on the sins of the world.  To be insulted, spit on, mocked, punished with a crime he didn’t commit and to watch him take his final breath not nestled in his sweet comforting arms but on a cross, the punishment designed for criminals.  This shows me what a big heart the Lord has for each of us.  As difficult it was for Jesus to endure this, our heavenly Father had to restrain himself and let it all happen, for the good of all of us.  What a sacrifice that was made on our behalf.  What a gift friends, what a gift.

 “An innocent man laden with my guilt and shame, bound so I can be free, dying so I can live.  Somehow it seems appropriately paradoxical that this dark day would be called ‘Good Friday'......Sinners purified, dead people made alive is the paradoxical beauty of the Cross-our only hope for healing in this hurting, confining world.”  Nancy Guthrie One Year Book of Hope.

What a Good Friday this is and just think HOPE is around the corner.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I weep with them

Over the last couple of months two sweet friends of mine have lost babies.  The medical community calls them miscarriages, but my grieving heart knows they lost a child.  I know their hearts are hurting in a way only those who have experienced a loss of a child can comprehend.

It's hit me harder than I anticipated.  Maybe because I understand a little more of their pain, while each of our losses are different there is something my heart understands in a way that is different than before.  I guess you can consider it a heart bond us loss mom share.  It's a gift I treasure.

I know the pain of spending my baby's due date reflecting on the what ifs, with no baby in my arms or stomach.  Staring at newborns and just longing to have mine in my arms.  Smiling and trying to be joyful for friends expecting around the same time, yet my heart was aching.  So I've been grieving for these little ones and particularly my sweet friends who do not yet walk the streets of glory and yet their children do.

It's made me miss Seth more this past month.  It's taken me back to those raw moments..... the stethoscope of his doctor touching Seth's little chest, and then hearing the words "there's no heartbeat."  If you haven't heard those words, they are just as you can imagine, utterly crushing.  I know my friends will replay that moment about a million times and I weep with them.

One of these friends who lost their sweet baby recently sent me a book.  The Lord allowed Micah to sleep for 2 1/2 hours during his nap time one Saturday and Calvin was out with Marvin so I just sat in my chair and cried through the entire book.  It was a sacred time of reading, praying and pouring out my heart. I've thought of this quote often since reading that book, "It is a good thing to wait upon him in a well-watered land.  It's a [holy] thing to wait upon Him in a barren landscape."  Andree Seu.

Even though I'd rather be on well watered land I'm thankful for the barrenness I've experienced through losing Seth.  I'm so thankful for these holy moments.  I treasure them, and I long for the well watered landscape of heaven.

This was exactly what my heart needed to hear today.  May it bless you too.

Monday, March 18, 2013


We've had some long weeks with Micah lately.  He's been extra curious, and his new found door opening skills have kept us on our toes.  He feels pretty confident in his pouring abilities, which means he'll try to get himself a drink, when we're not looking or occupied.  There are days I feel like I just clean up after his curiosity and discipline him, which I hate.
Post fingernail clipping, if you can't you tell he's not a fan.  He'll walk around with his hands in fists for a good 45 minutes or lay down with his hands underneath him.  I think he inherited his dislike for getting his fingernails cut from me.

We try to hit the park once a week when Calvin's at school.  He loves it, until the other kids get there and let's just say he's getting pretty good at yelling the word for mine in the local language.  He's not shy to push or throw things at other kids, lay down on the slide so no one else can use it, etc.  Thankfully we usually have a few minutes before all the other kids start showing up, which gives me a few minutes to enjoy him playing.

Last week we had a particularly rough day.  We met a friend at the park.  Micah kept running to the parking lot or going to the sidewalk, which is close to a busy street, so eventually I just put him in his car seat in the car and decided it wasn't worth it and left early.  We went to pick up Calvin from preschool and he threw a monster tantrum there, and lately anytime we get to our door he feels like he needs to be the one who opens the door and because he doesn't know how to unlock to the door, another epic tantrum begins.

Later that day I noticed a friend had posted this link on facebook.  It was just what I needed to hear, because Micah is not the good kid.  He pushes his limits every single time.  He likes to do things his way.  I feel judging eyes staring me down daily.  Just today he melted as we got out of the car to pick up Calvin from preschool because we couldn't find a tiny little piece of a toy he dropped.  He calmed down a bit once we got to Calvin's classroom, but quickly went back to his uncontrollable fit when I removed him from on top of a table.  Due to Calvin having to get dressed he was screaming for a good 20 minutes before we got back to the vehicle.

I keep reminding myself that all this strong will of his is a good thing and praying the Lord grows him into a man after his own heart.

Thursday, March 14, 2013


My computer crashed last month.  I'm thankful everything was backed up in December, so I didn't lose too much stuff.  While I'm thankful that it's working again, I have been a bit slow figuring out how to reinstall and restore everything.  My patience runs thin when it comes to technology, which is probably why things still aren't fixed.

I think we've finally convinced Calvin that dragons are only imaginary, pretend animals, this has been a continuing discussion for the past half a year.  His argument all along has been, "But then why are there volcanoes if there are no dragons."  Sometimes it's hard to reason with a 5 year old.

It's even harder to reason with a 2 year old.  Micah's decided he's scared of going #2 and there is no convincing him to do it, and he does everything he can to not do it.  So that's been time consuming and I'm ready for him to change his mind that it isn't so bad, but until then we'll be spending hours in the bathroom everyday.

I started driving here this fall. I'm getting more used to driving this big van we have, but still do not like parking it, and strategically plan where I'm parking so I avoid places where I'm forced to back up in tight spots. But for the most part I just drive to the gym and home, it's been nice not to have to walk in the dark and wait on public.

My Zumba fitness classes are going well. It really depends on the weather how many people I'll have, but I've had people at each class so that's been encouraging and everyone who has come once has returned.  I've enjoyed teaching, even on the days I really don't feel like it, I'm always glad that I got some exercise and have a better mood by the end of my class.

Calvin had his Women's day performance at preschool last Thursday.  It was cute to see him all dressed up.  He loved wearing his tie and was thrilled that he had one just like daddy does.  He was sick they assigned the poems, so I think he was a bit bored.

Our nanny was sick that day so Marvin dealt with Micah during the show, so he didn't get to see much of it.  I'm always amazed at the length of effort put into these shows an how 5 year olds' can memorize such long poems and lines.  As I was sitting there watching their performance in honor of mothers and spring.  I was thrilled to get to be a part of this cultural holiday.

Oh and guess who can now open the kitchen door?  Yep mister orange splitter, I foresee lots of mopping in my future.

Friday, March 08, 2013


I saw this a couple of weeks ago and thought it was very good and gives some insight into our crazy third culture kids.