weary

I did it.  I reached my goal.  Losing all the baby weight by 4 months postpartum.

It feels good to meet goals.  But what I didn’t expect was to feel unsatisfied and sad at this milestone.

It feels good to fit into the clothes in my closet.

But there is a part of me that just feels pain.

Like a little piece of Seth is gone.  That physical reminder that he was here is now gone.  I physically look the same, but I sure don’t feel the same. 

There are days I just long to hold him.  I wonder what our life would look like now juggling three preschoolers.  

Some days my arms feel heavy with the weight of emptiness.

Some days that crumples me to tears. 

A sweet teammate of ours gave us Tenth Avenue North’s album.

When I heard this song it was the words of my heart that day. 

The truth is my soul often times feels worn. Not in a scary suicidal way but just worn from the pain and heartache that is constantly with me.  Worn with the heaviness of walking this earth without a child, torn between the world I am living in and the one my heart longs for.

I love the part about wanting see Redemption win. I desperately want to see the Lord mend my torn heart.  Isn’t that the beauty in all of this?  That redemption does win.  Sometimes I just need a reminder that He has already won…eternity awaits us.

Until then I’ll always miss my baby.