Five

Calvin and I had a little chat on his birthday because I decided he’s not allowed to have any more birthdays.  He must remain five forever.  Apparently he thinks my request is a bit ridiculous.

But seriously how on earth did this boy turn 5 already?!?!

Since I can’t stop him from growing I’m going to enjoy these days and savor them.

Looking back over the past year here are a few things about my little Calvinator that I love.

·         The second your eyes are open you are talking and can talk all day long.

·         I love the impromptu songs that come out of your mouth along with some amazing dance moves.  I love how you sing your heart out to our Seeds of Faith CDs in the van.

·         You’re willing to do hard things.  Just watching you adjust to preschool and really thrive there was such a gift.  I’m so thankful that you are willing to learn a new language little man.  I know it’s not easy but you are doing amazing at it.

·         You have a love for learning and I’m praying we can nurture that into a little boy who is always hungry for knowledge.  You love doing school, particularly math and science.  You make me proud.

·         You’re creative and love any chance you get to draw, color, paint, cut, or make something.

·         You spend hours each day building with legos.

·         You love to read.

·         Love to save the world daily.

·         Love tromping around the great outdoors and collecting rocks, sticks, acorns, buckeyes and flowers.

·         You are a great helper cleaning the house and you love to dust and clean the windows, which I’m so grateful for.

·         You’ve started to ask some really good questions about God and already know so many verses from God’s word.

·         You’ve been willing to talk about hard subjects such as death and have had such a sweet perspective of heaven that has blessed me.

·         And yesterday you marveled that your shoes still fit you now that you are five.  Amazing.

Stop growing so quickly please.  I want to enjoy your little squeaky voice a bit longer.

Calvin.  I’m praying the Lord will grow your understanding of him this next year and that you will trust him and serve him the rest of your life.  I thank the Lord for using you to sharpen me.  You are such a gift and it’s a joy is to be your mom.

I love you Calvin.

Just Be

While we’ve had a few comments that really got under our skin, from day one I’ve prayed that I would be a grace giver in those times of insensitivity.  Especially as we returned back home to Nineveh, which honestly is where we have received the most.

So how do you comfort the brokenhearted?  Before Seth died I wondered the same thing.  How do I love on those who have lost a child while I still have mine.  It's a hard place to be.  Thankfully the word gives us some instruction.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn."  –Romans 12:15

So pull up alongside them, grieve with them, pray for them, and cry with them.  Acknowledge the life the Lord created in their child.  Acknowledge the preciousness of their life. 

Say their child’s name.  It's sweet to hear Seth's name.  I'm thankful when others do, it lets me know that he hasn’t been forgotten by our friends.

And simply say I’m sorry.

Be okay with silence. 

Be okay with tears and settle into the uncomfortableness of the death of a child. 

Because that’s just what it is…uncomfortable.

Don’t try to explain it away,

..it was God’s will

..it wasn’t meant to be

..it was for the better

Because it wasn’t.  We live in a fallen world; this wasn’t God’s original plan.

Just be there. 

Bring meals. 

Clean. 

Wash their dishes. 

Give thoughtful gifts.
Keep calling.  
Don't forget that they are still grieving several months...years down the road.  
Ask good questions that go beyond "How are you doing?"
Let them know you are praying for them.

Give them you.

You will bless them.

linking up with We are That Family today.

Larry Boy and Trucks

This year we enjoyed another fun birthday party for the boys with some ex pat friends in our city.

I kept it simple this year.  I had lots of grand ideas but honestly this wasn’t the year for them.  (I'm learning to be a little more honest with my limits these days.)

Once his little friends arrived

We played veggie bowling

Then we had veggie races.

The little ones enjoyed the rice pit.

We went outside for to break the bad apple piñata.

We prayed.

We ate.

Sang happy Birthday.

Twice.

Had Cake.

A few had green tongues and teeth.

Opened presents.

Our friends know our boys here well.

Legos, puzzles and imaginary play tools for Calvin

And trucks for Micah.

The bigger kids watched a movie while us grownups chatted.

Then sent we them home with a few party favors.

It was a fun day filled with lots of memories.

Thanks to all who made their party special.

Our boys were well loved.

And Celebrated.

Birthday Week

At the end of birthday week this year I thought about getting a shirt made that said “I survived birthday week 2012”

We had a few other elements this week that lengthened the to do list, but I wanted to make sure these boys in my life knew how special they were.

Happy Birthday Marvin
Marvin was up first.  Calvin did a great job making a sign for daddy.  And per Marvin’s request we kept it simple but of course had fried tacos and peanut butter pie.  We even got to introduce our new teammates to his birthday meal this year.

Happy Birthday Calvin

Calvin loves all the birthday attention.  So I when I heard he was up I quickly went to his room and gave him a big happy birthday hug.  It started the day out pretty special.  He had balloons on his chair and pumpkin muffins waiting for him in the kitchen along with one present.  Marvin said he walked into preschool  with his arm out, proudly sporting his new watch.

We took some birthday treats to school.  This year we brought little monster guys made up of a little packaged bear cake, a juice box and a sucker.

For lunch I rocked his world with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on presliced American bread.  Love how the simpliest things could mean so much to him.  Later in the afternoon we skyped with Grandpa and Grandpa S and opened a few presents from them.

The rest of the day he was busy building legos and coloring in his new coloring books.  Thank you so much he loved them.  (Micah also was busy playing with his new bus.  He's been filling it with anything and everything.)

Later we enjoyed Calvin’s requested dinner, quesadillas and cupcakes then opened the rest of his presents.  He’s been asking for roller skates for the past year, so he was thrilled.  A little while later we put a very happy five year old to bed.

Happy Birthday Micah

We enjoyed a low key day celebrating our little introvert.  After a good nap he enjoyed playing in the rice left over from his party.

Birthday meal: mac & cheese.

He got to skype with grandpa and grandma T.  Both boys opened their presents from them. Micah loved his new truck and has been very excited for the Thomas fruit snacks.

After a birthday bath we watched a new Boz DVD.  He was so excited.  Then it was off to bed. Where we heard them playing for a good hour before they fell asleep.  Light sabers in the dark are pretty cool apparently.

I’m so grateful to have them here to hug and squeeze, I have treasured that gift even more this year.

Capturing Grief {week 2}

Three rings worn daily as a physical reminder that I’m a mom to three boys.

My quiet time space

2 Corinthans 4:16-18

So thankful for our family and friends who surrounded after we lost Seth . 

Some even traveled a ways to be with us. 

Those who were unable to be with us in person have sent countless emails, gifts, and flowers. 

We are blessed.

I will forever be brought back to our time with Seth any time I hear the beeping hospital monitors.  Maybe someday they will not bring tears.

When Seth’s doctor told us they had done everything they could do.  We called Marvin’s parents who were keeping the boys.  We asked them to make the 3 hour drive to bring the boys back to Kansas City.  I needed to get my arms around my boys, I needed to have our family together.

I remember they were both very quiet and glued to each other.  They held each other’s hands as they walked, rarely left each other’s side, and were exceptionally sweet to each other.  At one point they even tackled each other with a huge bear hug.

I felt like it was a picture of a promise from the Lord.  That we were going to travel this road together as a family before the Lord.  It was scary entering a road full of unknowns, but I felt like a reminder that he’d hold our hand each step of the way. 

We are not alone on this road of losing a child.

October

It’s sort of ironic that Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month falls during October.

October is birthday madness in our household.

Within one week Marvin, Calvin, and Micah celebrate their birthdays.

So adding in a time of remembering Seth seems a little fitting for our family.

As part of Infant Loss awareness month I’m going to Capture my Grief for 31 days.

Here’s week one.

Stuff you really can’t make up

Sometimes I wonder what’s going on in Micah’s head.  He has these ideas that I just don’t know where they came from.

On pinterest I saw this great little trick about putting a rubber band on your soap dispenser so that it controls how much soap comes out.  That tip was designed for Micah.  He loves to steal the soap, and pump away, often in random places in our house.  He has also defeated my just put the soap up higher trick, by getting his chair from his room to reach it.

The other day I caught him sitting on the floor in the bathroom with the soap and two plastic cups, just filling them up with soap.

Monday I finished hanging laundry and was heading back to see what the boys were doing, when I hear, “Mommy I don’t think Micah should be playing with that, he’s going to break it.”  Right as I walk in the kitchen the pepper shaker shattered into pieces.

Sunday we hosted our HC and I made a poppy seed cake.  I walked into the kitchen and Micah’s pulled up a chair gotten himself a knife and started cutting himself a piece of cake. 

Just yesterday Calvin said, “Ummm Micah I don’t think you should eat that, it’s old and gross.”  I asked what he was talking about and he said. “Micah put some grapes in the broom handle a long time ago and now he’s getting them out and eating them.”

Seriously I just can’t make this stuff up. 

But that’s what I love about that little man.  He keeps me on my toes, but oh man is he fun to have around.

In the past week

Calvin finally got to go back to school {insert cartwheels and clapping)! 

He has a new head teacher, part of me is sad, because his teacher last year was wonderful.  But his new teacher seems nice.  Calvin even made a couple of new friends and a few of the boys who he said were mean last year are now nice to him.

I used up my last Mac & cheese packet I brought back from the states L.  Those were such a gift these past two months.  I knew when I was out of energy and out of bread I could reach into the cupboard and I’d have something to fill these little bellies with very little effort.  I guess I’ll have to start thinking of a few lunch ideas, or actually put the energy into grating cheese to make mac and cheese from scratch.

I'm still not caught up on laundry from our camping trip, two weeks ago.  I need to tackle the sleeping bags.  

Language started again.  I need the mental workout, to whip my brain back into language shape.  It’s so much work for me to formulate a sentence these days.  I literally cringe at my grammar mistakes.

We’ve seen the most beautiful fall weather mixed with a few foggy ones.  Love the sunny ones so much more than the foggy ones.

A friend was turned around when flying into our country.  I’ve been sad with them, as they grieve a very special place for them.  This city won’t be the same without them here.

I finally made some time to can some tomatoes for winter.  I’ll be thankful to have them, and not to have to pay a crazy amount for tomatoes come winter but man it’s a lot of work, and messy.

I also made some grape jelly.  Grape jelly is such a treat, since you can’t buy it here. It’s the first time I’ve ever made it, and it was pretty easy, much easier than tomatoes.

Now all that is left is to can some applesauce.  Awesomesauce is what it should be called, my boys can devour that stuff, which gives little time to appreciate the work it took to make it.

Randomly I decided to make french toast sticks instead of french toast one day which rocked the boys world.  Both boys ate happily and loved dipping their sticks.  I also didn't have to cut up any sticky french toast.  Win, win.  Why didn't I think of this earlier, so I made a bunch more for the freezer for easy breakfasts during the week.

I knocked a bottle of vanilla onto the stove while cooking this week.  There were flames all over my stove where the vanilla spilled, but my kitchen smelled amazing afterwards.

I also managed to spray myself in the eye with perfume at the market while testing out a few.  Not one of my better moments.

So that's what we've been up to.  I hope you all had a great week.

All for a signature

Calvin started local preschool again this year…but like all things there was a little delay. 

We got him ready for school and took him on the first day of school.  He did great.  He loved seeing his teachers and friends but then they needed a note from the doctor saying he was healthy.

……our stuff from America wasn’t good enough.

But to get the note you had to see a ton of “specialists”.  I say this lightly because I really don’t know if they have any actual medical knowledge; it’s common for people to pay for their degrees, particularly for medical degrees.  Sad, but true fact of living here and I really hate that for all the people who really need good sound medical advice, but I’ve digressed.

Thankfully we found a pediatrcian at a private clinic who took the time to make some calls and find various doctors in town who would see us for a fee.  (We don’t have gov’t insurance, so we can’t use the polyclinics like everyone else does.) 

We saw the neurologist, ophthalmologist, orthopedic, a surgeon, an ENT, and the pediatrician.  All of which did the same exact things as our fabulous doctor in America did in a 20 minute well child exam.

Then we were on to some lab work.

Calvin had to have blood drawn……………

He completely freaked out.  They didn’t get a vein the first attempt so he was shaking and screaming in this language, No I don’t want to.  No.  Stop.  They finally got what they needed, and I was so relieved it was over.  It was hard to remain calm for Calvin’s sake.

We spent a couple days seeing all these specialists.  On one of these days I explained to Calvin which doctors we would see and what they would do.  I told him that we would see a doctor who would look at his bones and check and make sure they were good.  The whole day Calvin was so worried about the orthopedic doctor.  He kept asking if he was going to poke him again, or if they would need to cut him like they cut me when Seth was born.  I couldn’t figure out why he was so worried, but finally after lunch he asked, “But mommy how are they going to see my bones if they don’t cut me?”

Poor guy.  He was relieved to know they would only touch his skin and feel his bones.

So after waiting 2 ½ weeks for this beautiful piece of paper, we got it.

Calvin’s back to school.  Glad to know that’s over……….

until next year.

Resting Place

When we had to make decisions about Seth’s burial and funeral our heads were really spinning.  We hadn’t talked about a cemetery before, and the times we had talked about death it was always about one of us and not about our children.

So after a little thinking, it just made sense to bury Seth in the little country cemetery near my grandparent’s farm. 

It’s a place I grew up visiting.  It’s quiet and peaceful.  I think Marvin and I both feel like that was the best decision, we’re thankful that my family will drop in every now and then and make sure his grave is kept tidy.

My grandparent’s farm has meant so much to me.  It was and is a place to go and play.  To explore the great outdoors.  One time my cousins and I went looking for bulls in the pasture without telling our parents, not a bright move on our part.  I was terrified of dogs so my cousin probably ended up carrying me the entire time, needless-to-say we didn’t find any bulls and found some worried parents when we returned.  It is memories like those that fuel my love for this plot of land in the middle of Kansas.  

Grandpa and Grandma's place is nothing fancy but a place where my love for my extended family grew.  So having Seth buried close to there is pretty meaningful.  My grandpa told me that Seth was the 7^th generation of our family that was buried in the little country cemetery and that’s pretty special.

We met my grandparents the day after I was released from the hospital for lunch and as we were walking out, my sweet grandpa said, “Well I guess you are old enough to handle things like this.”  I don’t know if you are ever old enough to handle the blow of losing a child, but Grandpa having a place to remember Seth so close to a special place helps tremendously.

Finished

Friday was a busy day filled with lots of cooking and getting ready for a family camping trip.  I took a little breather and sat down and checked my news feed.  My sister had just been to the cemetery and Seth’s stone was finished.

It literally took my breath away.

His name is etched in stone. 

There is something about it makes it too final.  There is no denying the fact that we have a baby in heaven.

Seeing this picture just made me want to buy a ticket and fly half way around the world to see it for myself.  It may sound silly but, my heart just longed to put flowers in his empty vase, just to show him that we care.

It’s hard to know that it will be a year before we can actually see it.....just another thing I’m grieving.

But it’s beautiful and we love how it turned out, and we are thankful for a stone that helps us remember how Seth’s short life touched our hearts.

Impatience

Sometimes I have a bad attitude; well actually a lot of times I have a bad attitude.

Recently it’s been about losing the baby weight.  I’ve never been one of those women who look like they’ve never had a baby just days after having one.  So I didn’t think losing the baby weight this time would come easily, but I prayed it would just magically fall off.

Sometimes it feels like an unfair parting gift, God gets to keep my baby while I have to watch what I eat, and have to work out every day.  But then I find myself face to face with an attitude of entitlement.

Does God owe me anything?  Nope, but I’m praying he’ll help me in this journey as I lose the post baby pouch that is not at all flattering.

It’s been three months since giving birth now and I’m 4 pounds away from my pre Seth weight.  It truly is the fastest I’ve ever lost weight after having a baby, and considering 1 ½ months of that I wasn’t even allowed to exercise due to the c-section, I should be happy with those results.  But my heart is just itching for a quick fix.  I’m not very good at waiting, especially if it means self control and sacrifice.  So through the extra pounds I feel like I’m learning a ton.

One of the sweet things through the hours of workouts I’ve done recently has been that sometimes when I’m really struggling and starting to feel sorry for myself, I’ll be facing Seth’s picture on our living room wall.  I just keep telling myself that Seth was worth it.  It has helped the bitterness go away, because he was worth it.

So we’ll see how fast this baby weight is shed, but I’m working at it and thankful that even through exercise the Lord is teaching me to rely on him.

Also I can’t wait for these last 4 pounds to come off so I can get some new shoes! J

Entrusted with Hidden pain

As I’ve shared about Seth’s death with those around us women have opened up to me about their own loss of a child, even women who I’ve known for a long time. 

It’s a secret that is only entrusted to a few here, and that breaks my heart and at the same time I’m grateful to be trusted with their painful past.  Grief here is internal, tears not acceptable.  I can only imagine the struggle inwardly of so many women.  It’s been challenging for me to know how to enter into these conversations. 

One because of differing faiths, my faith is the only thing that has allowed me to stand with hope.  Being uncertain of salvation or even if God even exists is adds a whole different realm to comforting friends here.  It’s given me an opportunity to share that my God is the same today as before Seth died, and even though I don’t understand why, I am certain I’ll see him in heaven.

It’s been difficult because my tears have been an emotional release for me, and when I become emotional with friends here they immediately try to change the subject.  Recently I wanted to give a friend of mine a gift that has helped me, a necklace, and her husband said, only if it doesn’t make her cry.  She confided in me that the month after Seth died she cried every day.  It brought all of those stuffed emotions back to the surface. 

So while I am grieving, so many others are also grieving, only their journey is silent.  I long to know how to comfort and walk along side them.  Will you pray for me and them?

Left but not forgotten

This past week our nanny started again.  I was overjoyed to have some help again.  She is amazing with my boys and they both love her dearly.

As we sat down and talked about what had happened three months ago, I was able to show her pictures of our time with Seth.

She then told me about her son that was born in between her daughter and son. It was the first time she has even mentioned it.

She was 7 months pregnant and noticed a little less movement in the baby. She promptly went to get an ultrasound and found out he had encephalitis and would soon die.  He died the next day and she went into labor.

She went to the hospital and her son was born.  The hospital staff didn’t want her to even look at him.  But she asked to see him and they let her see him.  She said he was beautiful.

After delivery they took her to the post partum room, where all of the other mothers who just had babies were recovering, all happily holding their newborns, there is no such thing as private rooms in hospitals here.  Thankfully the next day her husband begged her doctor to release her, to spare her from the emotional torture of seeing others with their children.

I asked her what his name was, and she said they didn’t name him, they didn’t bury him.  They left him in the hospital.  Who knows what they did with his body.

In this country he wasn’t even born, he has no birth certificate, nothing to prove he ever existed.

I wanted to cry, but amazingly held it together.

This is the story I have heard from so many who have shared with me here.

My heart breaks because life is devalued here.  When I have seen doctors here for my past pregnancies they generally ask how many abortions I have had, not whether I have had any, which gives you an idea of how common it is.  It’s no wonder why women age so quickly, the emotional baggage they carry is heavy and has left scars on their hearts.

But God created life and I believe even a baby that is growing in utero it’s worth protecting, worth doing everything to help them live.  It makes me sad to know that women here are not given every option to protect their babies.

I was so grateful to be able to hold Seth, to be able to go see him any time during his NICU stay.  I loved staring at him as I held his hand; that truly was a gift.  As I hear these stories it makes me cherish that gift even more.

Following

Often times when my hands are in the dish water it’s the quietest part of my day.  Tummies are full, which means the little people in our house are content and less likely to fight (I’ve been doing a lot of refereeing in our home lately).  It’s been my little reflection time as I scrub our dishes clean.  Often my reflections are about Seth, God and this pain I feel each second I’m awake.

Last week as I was washing dishes it hit me.

When I signed up for this life, of following after Christ, I said yes I’d gladly follow you, my life is yours, even to the point where I might lose it, but I wasn’t totally in.  I still held perimeters to what God could or couldn’t take.  You see my life, that’s fine, but take away my child, nope not what I signed up for.

Yet here we are a family of 5 with one of our children in heaven.  This is when that trust and laying down of my dreams comes into play. 

It’s harder than I ever thought.  Yet it also could be described as a time where I’ve felt the Lord very intimately.  He is close to the brokenhearted and I’m just now understanding what that means.  It’s a beautiful place to be and yet so hard, a crazy juxtaposition.

I’ve also had to come to terms with the fact that if the Lord chooses to take all of my children I will still follow him. I must, because without him this would all be too much.  I’m choosing to believe that these trials are for his glory.

A beautiful painless life has never been promised.  I want to follow Him, even down paths that I never wanted to walk.

From One Year Book of Hope…

Your son has given you an incredible gift.  He has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life.  Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams.  But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover the freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus.”