Saturday, September 08, 2012


Often times when my hands are in the dish water it’s the quietest part of my day.  Tummies are full, which means the little people in our house are content and less likely to fight (I’ve been doing a lot of refereeing in our home lately).  It’s been my little reflection time as I scrub our dishes clean.  Often my reflections are about Seth, God and this pain I feel each second I’m awake.

Last week as I was washing dishes it hit me.

When I signed up for this life, of following after Christ, I said yes I’d gladly follow you, my life is yours, even to the point where I might lose it, but I wasn’t totally in.  I still held perimeters to what God could or couldn’t take.  You see my life, that’s fine, but take away my child, nope not what I signed up for.

Yet here we are a family of 5 with one of our children in heaven.  This is when that trust and laying down of my dreams comes into play. 

It’s harder than I ever thought.  Yet it also could be described as a time where I’ve felt the Lord very intimately.  He is close to the brokenhearted and I’m just now understanding what that meansIt’s a beautiful place to be and yet so hard, a crazy juxtaposition.

I’ve also had to come to terms with the fact that if the Lord chooses to take all of my children I will still follow him. I must, because without him this would all be too much.  I’m choosing to believe that these trials are for his glory.

A beautiful painless life has never been promised.  I want to follow Him, even down paths that I never wanted to walk.

From One Year Book of Hope…

Your son has given you an incredible gift.  He has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life.  Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams.  But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover the freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus.”


Sherry said...

I read this quote the other day, it just made my heart at ease "Where the Lord wants you to be, He holds you safe and gives you peace, even when there is pain."--Henri Nouwen. Still praying for you each day. Love you.

Carmen said...

Like others I know who have endured tragic, painful loss, I sense in you a depth and intimacy to your relationship with Jesus that I crave. While I'd never choose your circumstances, it is just as you describe...a crazy juxtaposition of incredible pain and grief, yet a beautiful gift of wrestling, surrender, grace, and love. Thanks for continuing to share. Not only does it help you process, but it invites others of us into a deeper place with the Father.