Celebrating Easter 2013

This year Easter just snuck up on us.  One week it was a month away and next thing we knew we were playing catch up trying to get through our resurrection eggs in time for Easter Sunday.

This year it was filled with less extras, but was so sweet because of it.  At lunch we opened our last resurrection egg and read and talked about what the significance of that empty tomb.  I have loved our conversations with Calvin recently about Jesus.  He’s really starting to get it and ask some good questions.  Now just so you don't think it was a peaceful time, the whole time Micah just kept saying, “pray, pray” getting louder and louder.  The poor boy just wanted to eat.  But I’m thankful that even now Micah’s hearing about resurrection and salvation.

I had some left over shrink wrap covers left over from last year.  So Easter morning I boiled some eggs and Marvin helped the boys wrap some eggs.  It was by far my favorite egg decorating experience.  I just turned on the chai-nik (electric kettle) and made sure the water stayed hot and you should have heard the wows.  They were impressed.  I forgot to bring them to our egg hunt later in the day, so we enjoyed them for lunch that week.

We had an egg hunt at home and Calvin was so excited.  He was literally bouncing off the walls in anticipation.  After each egg Micah found, he would plop himself down, open it up and gobbled up the candy.  He enjoyed the sugar tremendously.

The boys enjoyed a few goodies grandma and grandpa sent.  

When I was busy cooking and Marvin was having his quiet time Micah figured out how to get the package of little chocolate bunnies opened and devoured all of them.  He loves chocolate.

Later in the day we were able to get together with other ex-pats in our area.  It was a sweet time together, we had an egg hunt for the kids, then a worship service together.  Unfortunately by the time our worship service began it was freezing and I had a little boy crashing from his sugar high and ready for bed.

We’re thankful for a reason to celebrate.

What a week

This week has been cloudy, rainy, muddy, cold and just plain dreary in our part of the world, it even snowed.

Our heat was turned off last week so we’ve been freezing since.  We’ve been bundled up, drinking plenty of tea, and I’ve been trying to find more things to bake.  (We have city heating, so we can’t control our heat.)

Being so cold all day long, it’s been very hard to be productive, so Thursday I broke out our electric heater, which has helped me get a few more things done around the

house.

I walked into the living room this week and stepped on this….

It went through my house shoe and went into the arch of my foot and stayed.  I had to pull it out, which was probably the most traumatic part.  OUCH.

I was thankful Micah loves to find my cell phone and usually knows where it is.  He quickly brought it to me and after talking to Marvin, I calmed down a bit.

After multiple meltdowns this week, we instituted a new rule, no candy until family day. Oh my goodness, does sugar turn other people’s children into different people?

We tried our hand at quilling this week, I bought a little kit here, and I read all the instruction in Russian.  I think it's the first craft I have learned how to make in another language.  It was a fun little project.  The actual quilling of the paper was a bit difficult for Calvin to make sure it was staying in a straight row, so he was in charge of glue and for forming our quills into shapes.  He took his job very seriously.  Calvin decided it needed something else and thought about using some markers, but once glitter glue was suggested he thought that was a fabulous idea.  The boy loves those things and I'm thankful we can find them here.

There’s always lots of wrestling in our house, especially when daddy’s home.  Micah is usually the instigator, he’s such a rough and tumble little boy.  It cracks me up how often he'll come charging straight at Calvin ready to take him down.

And this guy. 

Oh my I love him!  His little personality is growing each day and so is his curiosity and capabilities.  Might be one the reasons I sleep well each night.

Good Friday

I’ve thought about Good Friday so much recently, mainly about the heartbreak our Heavenly Father experienced that dark Friday.  So much of this day is focused on Jesus’s suffering and while our salvation depends on it, I feel like it’s not the entire story.  I can just imagine heaven standing still that Friday, watching with a heavy silence what Jesus endured on the cross. That thought alone is enough to break my heart but my humanness can only comprehend a small piece of that pain.

I read this quote in the book called A Symphony in the Dark, Hearing God’s voice in Seasons of Grief that really put words to some emotions I’ve experienced in regards to Jesus’s death.

 “God knows what it is like to have to sit by and watch a beloved only child die.”  Morna Comeau

I’ve thought about how God’s heart must have broken into a million pieces watching his son die a terrible death, when he didn’t deserve any of it.  I know my heart broke into a million of pieces as I watched Seth’s tiny body fight for oxygen, slowly turning blue, but he was nestled in my arms a place of love and comfort.  How much more heartbreaking our Father experienced watching his son take on the sins of the world.  To be insulted, spit on, mocked, punished with a crime he didn’t commit and to watch him take his final breath not nestled in his sweet comforting arms but on a cross, the punishment designed for criminals.  This shows me what a big heart the Lord has for each of us.  As difficult it was for Jesus to endure this, our heavenly Father had to restrain himself and let it all happen, for the good of all of us.  What a sacrifice that was made on our behalf.  What a gift friends, what a gift.

 “An innocent man laden with my guilt and shame, bound so I can be free, dying so I can live.  Somehow it seems appropriately paradoxical that this dark day would be called ‘Good Friday'......Sinners purified, dead people made alive is the paradoxical beauty of the Cross-our only hope for healing in this hurting, confining world.”  Nancy Guthrie One Year Book of Hope.

 
What a Good Friday this is and just think HOPE is around the corner.

I weep with them

Over the last couple of months two sweet friends of mine have lost babies.  The medical community calls them miscarriages, but my grieving heart knows they lost a child.  I know their hearts are hurting in a way only those who have experienced a loss of a child can comprehend.

It's hit me harder than I anticipated.  Maybe because I understand a little more of their pain, while each of our losses are different there is something my heart understands in a way that is different than before.  I guess you can consider it a heart bond us loss mom share.  It's a gift I treasure.

I know the pain of spending my baby's due date reflecting on the what ifs, with no baby in my arms or stomach.  Staring at newborns and just longing to have mine in my arms.  Smiling and trying to be joyful for friends expecting around the same time, yet my heart was aching.  So I've been grieving for these little ones and particularly my sweet friends who do not yet walk the streets of glory and yet their children do.

It's made me miss Seth more this past month.  It's taken me back to those raw moments..... the stethoscope of his doctor touching Seth's little chest, and then hearing the words "there's no heartbeat."  If you haven't heard those words, they are just as you can imagine, utterly crushing.  I know my friends will replay that moment about a million times and I weep with them.

One of these friends who lost their sweet baby recently sent me a book.  The Lord allowed Micah to sleep for 2 1/2 hours during his nap time one Saturday and Calvin was out with Marvin so I just sat in my chair and cried through the entire book.  It was a sacred time of reading, praying and pouring out my heart. I've thought of this quote often since reading that book, "It is a good thing to wait upon him in a well-watered land.  It's a [holy] thing to wait upon Him in a barren landscape."  Andree Seu.

Even though I'd rather be on well watered land I'm thankful for the barrenness I've experienced through losing Seth.  I'm so thankful for these holy moments.  I treasure them, and I long for the well watered landscape of heaven.

This was exactly what my heart needed to hear today.  May it bless you too.

Timely

We've had some long weeks with Micah lately.  He's been extra curious, and his new found door opening skills have kept us on our toes.  He feels pretty confident in his pouring abilities, which means he'll try to get himself a drink, when we're not looking or occupied.  There are days I feel like I just clean up after his curiosity and discipline him, which I hate.

Post fingernail clipping, if you can't you tell he's not a fan.  He'll walk around with his hands in fists for a good 45 minutes or lay down with his hands underneath him.  I think he inherited his dislike for getting his fingernails cut from me.

We try to hit the park once a week when Calvin's at school.  He loves it, until the other kids get there and let's just say he's getting pretty good at yelling the word for mine in the local language.  He's not shy to push or throw things at other kids, lay down on the slide so no one else can use it, etc.  Thankfully we usually have a few minutes before all the other kids start showing up, which gives me a few minutes to enjoy him playing.

Last week we had a particularly rough day.  We met a friend at the park.  Micah kept running to the parking lot or going to the sidewalk, which is close to a busy street, so eventually I just put him in his car seat in the car and decided it wasn't worth it and left early.  We went to pick up Calvin from preschool and he threw a monster tantrum there, and lately anytime we get to our door he feels like he needs to be the one who opens the door and because he doesn't know how to unlock to the door, another epic tantrum begins.

Later that day I noticed a friend had posted this link on facebook.  It was just what I needed to hear, because Micah is not the good kid.  He pushes his limits every single time.  He likes to do things his way.  I feel judging eyes staring me down daily.  Just today he melted as we got out of the car to pick up Calvin from preschool because we couldn't find a tiny little piece of a toy he dropped.  He calmed down a bit once we got to Calvin's classroom, but quickly went back to his uncontrollable fit when I removed him from on top of a table.  Due to Calvin having to get dressed he was screaming for a good 20 minutes before we got back to the vehicle.

I keep reminding myself that all this strong will of his is a good thing and praying the Lord grows him into a man after his own heart.

So.....

My computer crashed last month.  I'm thankful everything was backed up in December, so I didn't lose too much stuff.  While I'm thankful that it's working again, I have been a bit slow figuring out how to reinstall and restore everything.  My patience runs thin when it comes to technology, which is probably why things still aren't fixed.

I think we've finally convinced Calvin that dragons are only imaginary, pretend animals, this has been a continuing discussion for the past half a year.  His argument all along has been, "But then why are there volcanoes if there are no dragons."  Sometimes it's hard to reason with a 5 year old.

It's even harder to reason with a 2 year old.  Micah's decided he's scared of going #2 and there is no convincing him to do it, and he does everything he can to not do it.  So that's been time consuming and I'm ready for him to change his mind that it isn't so bad, but until then we'll be spending hours in the bathroom everyday.

I started driving here this fall. I'm getting more used to driving this big van we have, but still do not like parking it, and strategically plan where I'm parking so I avoid places where I'm forced to back up in tight spots. But for the most part I just drive to the gym and home, it's been nice not to have to walk in the dark and wait on public.

My Zumba fitness classes are going well. It really depends on the weather how many people I'll have, but I've had people at each class so that's been encouraging and everyone who has come once has returned.  I've enjoyed teaching, even on the days I really don't feel like it, I'm always glad that I got some exercise and have a better mood by the end of my class.

Calvin had his Women's day performance at preschool last Thursday.  It was cute to see him all dressed up.  He loved wearing his tie and was thrilled that he had one just like daddy does.  He was sick they assigned the poems, so I think he was a bit bored.

Our nanny was sick that day so Marvin dealt with Micah during the show, so he didn't get to see much of it.  I'm always amazed at the length of effort put into these shows an how 5 year olds' can memorize such long poems and lines.  As I was sitting there watching their performance in honor of mothers and spring.  I was thrilled to get to be a part of this cultural holiday.

Oh and guess who can now open the kitchen door?  Yep mister orange splitter, I foresee lots of mopping in my future.

TCKs

I saw this a couple of weeks ago and thought it was very good and gives some insight into our crazy third culture kids.

Joy & Sorrow

Calvin drew our family picture on the chalkboard a couple weeks ago based on our most recently family picture we just hung on the wall.  (Apparently I have really big eyes and crazy hair!)

He did a really good job and when I saw what he drew I was simultaneously filled with both joy and sorrow.  Joy, because he included a balloon, a balloon he knows represents the one member of our family who isn’t with us physically.  Yet feel sorrowful, because he must draw pictures where his family isn’t whole.

Sorrow & joy fill my heart when I hear his five year old little voice introduce himself to others and upon their question if he has any brothers or sisters, he chooses to tell them that he “actually has two brothers but one is in heaven.  He died.”

I’m thankful that he’s not afraid of the family the Lord’s given him and he’s embraced it.  Many days I feel I have much to learn from that 5 year old.

Releasing

When Marvin and I were engaged we spent time answering a lot of thought provoking questions.  A friend of Marvin’s had given him a list of questions to answer before marriage and we had so much fun discussing what married life would be like.  Unfortunately somewhere along the way I lost the list, but it was similar to this list, just a lot more questions.  Some of them were surface stuff like where you imagine living: apartment, house, but there were a lot of deeper things about faith, raising children, and roles in marriage. 

Looking back, I see two naïve 20 year olds who thought we had it all figured out.  We answered all the questions so we were ready to get married, but what was it we were exactly ready for?  I know most of our friends have been married long enough to know that marriage is tough stuff and nothing like what we envisioned it would be when we first said I do.  But isn’t that the beauty of it?  It gets better as our hearts endure hardships, as we disagree, as we walk through life beside our spouse we understand more about whom he/she is and grow to love him/her more.

I remember discussing medical intervention.  We both agreed that modern medicine has its place in helping us fight for life here on earth and it was not our decision to end life.  We never imagined we’d be faced with the decision to end medical intervention with one of our own children. 

You see those two young kids didn’t quite understand how you could love a child yet, and I don’t think you can until you enter into the beautiful realm of parenthood.  When you see that little piece of you, or the one you’ve been asked to raise, your heart explodes with love.  The kind of love that you’d do anything for.

Through teary eyes we watched Seth fight for his life.  We watched his team of medical doctors surround his tiny body and work as hard as they could to find a solution to help him live.  But he was only tethered to this earth through breathing tubes and machines and we knew it. 

We are thankful for his cries we heard in the delivery room, for watching him move his little arms and legs around in his isolette, seeing him open his little eyes, and enjoying him as he sucked on his breathing tube like it was a pacifier, but in our hearts we knew that he was only ours for a short time.  This world that he was being tethered to was not the one he was chosen for.  So when his doctor asked us how to proceed, the decision came with peace.  We let him run to Jesus.

 

The decision to release him into the Lord’s hands, while the most heartbreaking decision of our lives, came with and indescribable peace.  Even though our hearts ache I rejoice in the fact that we choose a better life for him.  I can’t wait for the day when we can enjoy it with him.

New Skills

So Micah’s acquired a few new skills recently.

This is his signature standing head stand.  He hasn’t been doing it as much lately but he sure was proud to figure this one out and it had to be followed by clapping and cheering.

He’s working on his monkey skills on the boys new climbing gym.  (It was their Christmas gift.)

The biggest skill he has acquired is his potty skills.  He is officially potty trained!

We took our New Year’s break to potty train Micah.  I knew it was the only time it would be okay to be homebound until summer time.  Calvin’s preschool wasn’t open so I didn’t need to make the trek to pick him up.  So shortly before the New Year we broke out the undies again.

It went much better this time and I think our potty training boot camp taught us a lot about Micah.  He’s only going to do it if he decides it’s worth it.  So on day 8, he finally decided it was worth it.  Thankfully it was nothing like the first time around.  I think at most he had 7 accidents in a day and I pull all carpets off the floor to make clean up super easy.

He’s been doing pretty good, even waking up at night, dry during naps.  (Although contrary to boot camp, we still put him in a diaper at night and nap.  I need a break people and we’ll get there.)

But one thing I think made a big difference is that I started telling him to Run, run, run to the potty when he had to go.  No depending on Mommy, it was all in his hands.  And guess what.  It worked.

Those strong willed ones are sure tough to figure out sometimes. 

Oh and in the midst of this stressful potty training endeavor I read Self Help Advice from a Two year Old and laughed until I was crying.  Numbers 1, 3, 9 and 12 particularly ring true in our house. I highly recommend some humor during potty training, you’ll need it.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Purple

I had to giggle when Calvin told me his favorite color was rainbow in his birthday interview.  So cute.  Later he clarified by saying if you say rainbow it means you like all the colors.  Thanks for the additional info buddy, but it’s still cute.

Speaking of rainbows this fall I started reading about food dyes from Brooke, and their effects on kids behavior.  If you’ve read our blog you know about Micah.  He’s a handful and if you’ve ever been around him you know what that means.  He requires constant supervision, he’s a very physical child, and can throw some pretty epic tantrums.

When I started reading some of the effects that food dyes have on children, it got me thinking about whether his tantrums, impulsive behavior, aggression, and difficulty sleeping were partially due to food dyes. 

We were a little creative when it came to colors on our gingerbread houses this year.
But dried cranberries did the trick.

I immediately went to the kitchen and started to look into things that might have food dyes that he eats.  Sure enough the yogurt I was buying for the boys had food dyes (Micah can eat 3 of these in one sitting).  The sliced cheese I bought for grilled cheese, my precious imported mac and cheese packets, both lunch staples around here have food dyes.  Don’t even get me started with candy.  The boy loves it and Marvin and I have commented more than once that it turns him into a little monster.  We’ve even said that about M&Ms and Calvin.

So I did a little experiment.  I eliminated food dyes.  And while it didn’t eliminate all the tantrums (he is a toddler), we didn’t have an entire day defined by fits, screaming, and constant melt downs.

I was convinced, but it took a little more convincing on Marvin’s end.  Then he ate a decorated frosted sugar cookie.

Some friends came by to go caroling and brought us some yummy treats.  Calvin and I left with them to do some more singing and I forgot to tell Marvin not to give Micah anything with food dyes.  I got home to find out he’d given him a sugar cookie.

The next day was hideous. 

Tantrums.  All. Day.  Long. 

Everything was a big deal.  He was more aggressive, moody and it was at this point Marvin knew.  No more food dyes.

For us it hasn’t been that difficult to make this switch, although we have to watch what neighbors give him.  Thankfully we live in a place where they are not in everything.  But when his brother gave him an M&M one day you would have thought he was holding poison, I literally dove and pulled it out of his hand before it could reach his lips.  Being a nice mom I gave him a piece of chocolate instead. 

It seriously makes that big of difference for him.  I think we’ll have to be a little more creative when it comes to cookie decorating, birthday cakes, etc. until I can get some natural food coloring but it’s something that is completely worth it.  

Orange you going to close the door

Lately we’ve found Micah playing in the house at random hours of the night.  I guess when he wakes up he thinks it’s time to get up and rather than come wake us up he just turns on his light and starts playing, or goes to the living room and starts playing.  He’ll eventually make enough noise that it wakes me up and I check my watch and sure enough it’s 3:00 a.m.

It’s a good thing his brother is a deep sleeper.  He has never once woken up despite all the noise and lights Micah has turned on.

Well due to his crazy little sleep schedule we always close the kitchen door before we go to bed because I’ve cleaned up way to many crackers and water recently.  But occasionally in our exhausted state we forget. 

See why we close the door? 

Micah helped himself to some oranges one night.  I bought 4 oranges at the stores for the next day and the little man opened them all.  I am impressed at his strength though.  I’m not sure I could split an orange in half with my bare hands when I was two.

He also poured himself a nice bowl of sugar.  The boy knows where the good stuff is.

So I guess this means I better start double checking that door.

a Childhood dream

I have a very fuzzy childhood memory, but one that made a big impression on me.  I remember going to a gym where my mom worked out and was so impressed.  I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to go and work out on my own.  I remember watching work out videos and just dreaming about teaching aerobics some day.

Well that childhood dream that I never really thought much about just came true.  Early in December I headed to the big city for a 2 day Zumba fitness instructor training and since then I’ve been using all my “extra” free time to learn new choreography.  

To show you how much dancing I've been doing, recently Calvin said, “Mommy why are you always dancing.”  It’s true but I'm trying to get a good 50 song rotation so I can change up my classes weekly.  Right now I'm working on the last 20 songs.

I'm learning a ton from teaching and trying to figure out the best way to instruct certain steps.  But most importantly I'm having a blast.  I'm so thankful that I get to teach something I love.  So if you are ever in our area or I'm in yours let's turn up the music and get a good workout together.  I'd love it.

Christmas highlights

So even though this year has been overcast with heartache we had some sweet Christmas memories this year that I do not want to neglect either.

Our friends organized a caroling night.  When I told Calvin that sometimes during Christmas people go to each other’s houses and ring the door bell and start singing Christmas carols, he responded by saying, “I don’t believe you.” 

So when the crew arrived at our house to sing he finally believed me and he had so much fun caroling at the three houses/apartments we went to.  It was such a hoot listening to 4 boys in the back of the van singing, “Jingle bells, batman smells robin laid an egg.”  He loved caroling and keeps asking me when we can do it again.

A sweet friend who came to stay with us in November brought us an IKEA gingerbread house, thanks so much S!  I picked up another one at IKEA and I’m glad I did, we avoided many conflicts and both boys were able to decorate as they wished and eat as they wished.  Micah enjoyed the eating involved in decorating but he eventually got into the spirit of it and loved sticking things on the house.

Calvin did a good job this year too.  He was pretty proud of his house.  And didn’t want to destroy his house by eating it, yet managed to eat bulk of his brother’s

I decided this year I didn’t have it in me to make breakfast for Christmas morning. So I bought the sugary cereal Calvin is always begging me to get at the store, it’s the only they sell here with a prize in it.  I randomly found this other cereal too, and didn’t know which one they’d like better.  

Obviously he was a fan and surprised and of course choose the one with the prize.  I love how a puzzle inside a cereal box makes his day. 

We were thankful that we only put one piece of candy in the boys stocking this year.  They each got a kinderegg and of course the gift Calvin gave his daddy this year was a kinder egg.  Chocolate is Micah’s favorite type of candy and he promptly tore off his wrapper and ate his, as soon as he saw his brother’s and Marvin’s egg they were devoured.  It’s a good thing for him that his brother was thrilled with the trade off the toy inside for the chocolate outside.  Honestly I think Calvin tolerates the chocolate because there is a surprise toy inside, he’s not my chocolate guy.

After we opened gifts the boys played watched their new movies and I took a nap while Marvin flipped through a sports illustrated he got from my parents.  It was glorious.  It’s not often I get a nap, so it was a tremendous blessing.

The boys loved skyping to both sets of grandparents.  My parents called during breakfast and Micah gave them quite the eyebrow show and he was very enthusiastic opening his gifts.  I love his little wow.  We were able to call Marvin’s family later in the afternoon, but I was busy getting dinner ready to really get good time with them. Both boys love skype and I’m so thankful that they get to grow up seeing them, what a blessing technology is.

Later in the day we had some singles come over and we enjoyed a yummy meal and lots of laughing.  It was a blessing having a fun home this Christmas, even if it meant a little extra work on my part. 

'Tis the season

I didn’t know what to expect this Christmas.  It’s something all the books on grief touch on, but even though all the reading I’ve done I still didn’t know what would be hard.  I remember last year as I hung our stockings I delighted in telling Marvin how next year we’d have to make room for another stocking.  I remember thinking how crazy Christmas morning would be with three boys (I knew Seth would be a boy from the positive pregnancy test).  So without him here I had to confront the unspoken plans I made in my heart, those were difficult confrontations wrought with tears. 

As a whole I’d say this Christmas season I’ve lacked energy and the so called “Christmas Spirit”, whatever that is.  What I’ve gleaned out of this season is gratitude that our son is spending his first Christmas with the reason we celebrate.  That is a treasured gift.

I had looked for a special ornament to mark this year for Seth and finally found it.  Thank you Beki for making it extra special!  It is perfect.

I decided that it would be nice to have something under the tree for Seth.  I want our boys to grow up knowing that Seth is still a part of our family and because we were blessed with him we want to bless others. I was thrilled to add a few things other had given in his name to his blessing sock!  Thank you friends and family for not forgetting Seth this year.

I did sew up a stocking for him with the extra fabric I had left over to hang with the rest of ours.  I would have to say the hardest thing was taking the stockings down to fill them on Christmas Eve.  I passed by them several times, but just didn’t have it in me to do it.  I didn’t know what would be better leaving Seth’s hanging or taking it down and it remaining empty.  Both options seemed painful, so I was thankful that Marvin eventually did it.

When a friend headed back to the states I sent her back an envelope with a little ornament I made for Seth’s grave, a superman angel.  I couldn’t bare the fact that I couldn’t place anything at this grave this Christmas.  I was so grateful for her willingness to take it back to the states and mail it.

I was so blessed to get this video this week.  I have such a sweet family.  Thank you for remembering Seth this year and for visiting his grave, despite the cold and wind, thank you for gathering around the place where we put our sweet baby to rest and singing about the birth of a savior who so tenderly cares for us.  It means so much to us.

Leaving 2012

I had not anticipated the approaching New Year as a time that would be difficult, yet this past week I’ve been weary.  New Year's Eve I was a weepy mess and it seemed like I woke up feeling the heaviness of missing Seth.  I tried to shake it, tried distracting myself, but there was no distracting the pain my heart was feeling, the tears just continued.  So we canceled our plans for the evening, because I wasn’t emotionally up to a joyful evening of playing games with friends.  After dinner I just collapsed on the couch and I couldn’t help remembering how last year I was curled up in bed well before midnight exhausted from the work it took my body to nourish and nurture Seth in my womb.  To be honest it hurt that this year I was curled up on the couch exhausted from grief, sad that I couldn’t spend this day holding him.

After some reflecting I think the reason why this day was so difficult was that time continues.  The calendar page would soon be forced to turn again, yet this time instead of turning a page, it was about to be replaced with a new calendar, its crisp white pages are never to be filled with memories of Seth.  They won’t be filled with his first steps, first teeth, first words….just more grieving. 

It felt like this New Year’s Eve I was forced to say goodbye to a year that brought us the sweet joy of Seth.  It seemed almost cruel to have to leave the beauty of a year filled with him behind.  I wanted to cling to the year where I got to stroke his hair, hold his hand, feel his silky skin, cradle him in my arms, sing over him and kiss him. 

So when the fireworks exploded around us to celebrate a new year, grief wrapped its strong grip on my heart and the reality emerged that the distance between the time Seth was physically with us was growing. 

Today I was reminded of a song we sang at Seth’s funeral.  It was good to remind myself of the last verse. 

I’m praying that the Lord would help me see these passing days as days that I’m not separated from Seth, but just another day closer to enjoying eternity together with my shelter in this storm.  I’m thankful for faithful hands that do not and cannot fail.

Thanks friends for walking this road with me.  You are dear to me.

Rabbits, Santa and Pirates oh my

Calvin had his New Year performance at preschool this week.  He did a really good job and I'm always so amazed at the work his music teacher and teachers put into putting on a good show and I’m so thankful for that.  It will be fun memories he’ll have for years.

Performance is highly valued here, and every child had a few lines to say, some sang solos, some had lots of lines, definitely different than the short 15 minute preschool programs in the states, his was an hour long.  Micah got a bit restless at about the 40 minute mark.

playing a racing game around the Christmas tree

However as extravagant as it was, it had a very bizarre plot.  Sometimes things like that remind me that Calvin is growing up in a very different place than America.  This year his New Year performance included pirates slipping Santa something in his drink, which made him fall asleep so they could kidnap the snow queen, and then held her for ransom for presents and finally the pirates pulled swords and guns on Santa when they found out they were given fake candies.  In the end Santa prevailed over evil.  But there were a couple of suspenseful moments during the play I could tell Calvin was a little nervous about.

Here’s a few snippets from the show. Calvin was a part of the  rabbit Calvary soldier drumming line.  He made a very cute rabbit solider and took his drumming very seriously.

 

Of course he had a few lines to say too.  He did such a good job this year of saying them loudly and this year we didn't even have to work on them at home.

In case you didn’t believe me about the whole pirate thing.

TWO and three months

TWO and three months

Well my little Micah man is two, which just happens to be his favorite number.  Actually it’s the only number he knows, but when asked how old he is, he’ll say it with passion.  I love it.

What a gift this little man is.  He certainly keeps us on our toes.  But oh my does he bring some good laughs.  I’m so thankful that I’ve got the opportunity to be his mom for the past 2 years (and three months).

It seems like my Micah stories are endless…..maybe because he’s just so curious, and quiet…and fast.

Snapshot @ Two……

Motor skills are your specialty.  We often call you our little jumping bean and I think bouncing houses were made for you.  You’re our budding alpinist; if you are determined enough no height will stop you.  Another favorite game you like to play is called; see how fast mommy can run to catch me.  Once eye contact has been made you’ll jump regardless of how close I am.  We’ve had some close ones but thankfully I’ve made it just in time.

You love to throw things; we’re working on finding the appropriate objects that may be thrown right now.  Although that time you threw your roast beef past Aunt Nat and hit your brother in the face during prayer time at dinner was classic.

You’re strong and one of your favorite games to play is to run from behind someone if they are sitting on the ground/bed and jump on their back and try to pull them to the floor.  You win that game a lot.  You also know how to hold onto a toy when someone else is trying to take it.  A skill necessary with local playmates.

You love playing with your brother’s little legos and your duplos.  You can spend hours building, building and building.  Usually cars or airplanes…. and those noises, you are great at sound effects.  When you are not building you usually are playing with your beloved tractors, trucks or cars.

Recently you’ve started becoming interested in art projects but I think it’s more about pointing at the fridge and showing me what you made often throughout the day.

You still take eating seriously.  You come to the table with a plan and there is no playing around. You know the routine.  Get in your chair, strap in, add your tray and fold your hands for prayer.  You love pizza, and any form of bread, you adore cheese, noodles and fruit.  You are hit and miss on your veggies and still will not take a drink of milk without spitting it out.  But oh how you love yogurt and I’m always amazed at how much you can eat.

You love to read and love to curl up on our laps and will keep bringing book after book. 

You still are a terrible sleeper, but thanks to blackout curtains you’ve learned to sleep until 7:00 a.m., well some days.  You are an active sleeper, and recently we’ve been woken up one too many times to a foot kicking our heads from little boy who’s slipped in bed with us, and decided that laying horizontally along our pillows is the best place to sleep.

You’ve finally started saying more words and are starting to use 3 word sentences.  Your memory is improving and almost daily you tell me “bird, shhhheeeeewwww, mama bye, bye.”  While pointing at the balcony and still remember the very traumatic event a few months ago when you went out on the balcony and a bird flew right past your ear and I had to face my own fears of birds and open the window for our little birdie friend to escape.

And last but not least those eyebrows….you can communicate so much with those things. 

I love those little brown eyes with curiosity glistening in them.  I love that we have to work a little to get a smile out of you.  Love how you get excited over tractors and trucks.  I love your requests to be held.  The snuggling and wrestling, the bear hugs, the passion you have for life.  I have a feeling this year is going to be a good one to help shape your character.  I pray daily for you to grow into a leader after God’s heart.

I love you Micah Man.  All 35#s of you.

The hard places

This was written after reading this piece.  This is my reality.......

There have been some really difficult things the past five months.  Initially there were many. 

Leaving the hospital with empty arms. 

Buying one outfit for Seth…the one we chose to bury him in.

Choosing a tiny coffin and not a baby bed

Getting Seth’s birth certificate with the words Infant Death stamped across it.

Receiving an autopsy report in the mail. 

The hospital bills, and insurance statements, delivered daily, could be equated to salt in a wound, making the pain throb more.

Those were all hard, very hard.

But recently it’s been the things that have snuck up on me that have been difficult.

Decorating the boys’ birthday cakes this year was so very difficult for me.  I cried through each one as I was reminded that I’ll never be able to see his Seth’s face light up at a sight of a birthday cake. 

As we got the boys ready for our fall party, I couldn’t help but wonder which super hero Seth would have loved.  I wondered how cute he would have looked in a miniature costume this year and that’s all I was left with…wondering…dreaming…missing him

Seeing little babies for the first time, those who Seth was supposed to grow up with… grieving more unrealized dreams I had for him.

Turning the calendar page again…marking another month without him.

My reality is that I sometimes cry when I do the mundane tasks, like washing laundry for only two little boys, some days when the baskets are empty I wish I had more, wish they were still overflowing, but they aren’t. 

There are days when I close my eyes and I replay every second I held Seth in my arms.  The words from Seth’s doctor saying there is nothing else they can do, pierce my heart a little more each time they are replayed. 

My reality is wishing I had just one more minute with him in my arms.  My reality is caring for two active boys beaming with life wanting to give them all of me and yet sorrow creeps in and brings Mommy to tears…again.  They’ve become accustomed to my tears. 

My reality is pondering heaven and not milestones.

The rustle of leaves is now beneath our feet.  We are walking uncharted territory as we head into the holiday season and that is really hard to get excited about.

It’s these little things that bring me back to reality and literally take my breath away.  I’m sure there will be many more, but for now I face each one head on.  I pray for the strength to endure them and that my eyes will be open to the gift that comes with each one.

This is my reality at 5 months without him.