Monday, December 03, 2012

The hard places

This was written after reading this piece.  This is my reality.......

There have been some really difficult things the past five months.  Initially there were many. 

Leaving the hospital with empty arms. 

Buying one outfit for Seth…the one we chose to bury him in.

Choosing a tiny coffin and not a baby bed

Getting Seth’s birth certificate with the words Infant Death stamped across it.

Receiving an autopsy report in the mail. 

The hospital bills, and insurance statements, delivered daily, could be equated to salt in a wound, making the pain throb more.

Those were all hard, very hard.

But recently it’s been the things that have snuck up on me that have been difficult.

Decorating the boys’ birthday cakes this year was so very difficult for me.  I cried through each one as I was reminded that I’ll never be able to see his Seth’s face light up at a sight of a birthday cake. 

As we got the boys ready for our fall party, I couldn’t help but wonder which super hero Seth would have loved.  I wondered how cute he would have looked in a miniature costume this year and that’s all I was left with…wondering…dreaming…missing him

Seeing little babies for the first time, those who Seth was supposed to grow up with… grieving more unrealized dreams I had for him.

Turning the calendar page again…marking another month without him.

My reality is that I sometimes cry when I do the mundane tasks, like washing laundry for only two little boys, some days when the baskets are empty I wish I had more, wish they were still overflowing, but they aren’t. 

There are days when I close my eyes and I replay every second I held Seth in my arms.  The words from Seth’s doctor saying there is nothing else they can do, pierce my heart a little more each time they are replayed. 

My reality is wishing I had just one more minute with him in my arms.  My reality is caring for two active boys beaming with life wanting to give them all of me and yet sorrow creeps in and brings Mommy to tears…again.  They’ve become accustomed to my tears. 

My reality is pondering heaven and not milestones.

The rustle of leaves is now beneath our feet.  We are walking uncharted territory as we head into the holiday season and that is really hard to get excited about.

It’s these little things that bring me back to reality and literally take my breath away.  I’m sure there will be many more, but for now I face each one head on.  I pray for the strength to endure them and that my eyes will be open to the gift that comes with each one.

This is my reality at 5 months without him.

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