'Tis the season

I didn’t know what to expect this Christmas.  It’s something all the books on grief touch on, but even though all the reading I’ve done I still didn’t know what would be hard.  I remember last year as I hung our stockings I delighted in telling Marvin how next year we’d have to make room for another stocking.  I remember thinking how crazy Christmas morning would be with three boys (I knew Seth would be a boy from the positive pregnancy test).  So without him here I had to confront the unspoken plans I made in my heart, those were difficult confrontations wrought with tears. 

As a whole I’d say this Christmas season I’ve lacked energy and the so called “Christmas Spirit”, whatever that is.  What I’ve gleaned out of this season is gratitude that our son is spending his first Christmas with the reason we celebrate.  That is a treasured gift.

I had looked for a special ornament to mark this year for Seth and finally found it.  Thank you Beki for making it extra special!  It is perfect.

I decided that it would be nice to have something under the tree for Seth.  I want our boys to grow up knowing that Seth is still a part of our family and because we were blessed with him we want to bless others. I was thrilled to add a few things other had given in his name to his blessing sock!  Thank you friends and family for not forgetting Seth this year.

I did sew up a stocking for him with the extra fabric I had left over to hang with the rest of ours.  I would have to say the hardest thing was taking the stockings down to fill them on Christmas Eve.  I passed by them several times, but just didn’t have it in me to do it.  I didn’t know what would be better leaving Seth’s hanging or taking it down and it remaining empty.  Both options seemed painful, so I was thankful that Marvin eventually did it.

When a friend headed back to the states I sent her back an envelope with a little ornament I made for Seth’s grave, a superman angel.  I couldn’t bare the fact that I couldn’t place anything at this grave this Christmas.  I was so grateful for her willingness to take it back to the states and mail it.

I was so blessed to get this video this week.  I have such a sweet family.  Thank you for remembering Seth this year and for visiting his grave, despite the cold and wind, thank you for gathering around the place where we put our sweet baby to rest and singing about the birth of a savior who so tenderly cares for us.  It means so much to us.