My Battle Lately

Shortly before we left the states we received an envelope from KU med.  When we opened it we found Seth’s Autopsy report.

Opening that and seeing the word autopsy beside your son’s name just tore at my heart.  It made everything sink in, because then things really felt a little surreal.

After reading it we weren’t surprised at the findings, everything seemed to be in line with what we had been told at the hospital.  We were thankful that we didn’t find any surprises and nothing indicated that this was genetic, but just a very rare thing.

A couple weeks ago Seth’s doctor contacted us to discuss the results.  Marvin and I really didn’t think there was much to discuss, it all made since to us.

It wasn’t until Seth’s doctor mention a couple of possibilities that knocked me over again.

We knew that Seth had a fistula in right side of his lung, which is the reason why his chest was filling with air.  He was too unstable for surgery and they really tried everything to help him survive.  It just didn’t work. 

In our minds we had just figured that it was something that was always there. 

We hadn’t considered that it was a result of the evacuation of fluid procedures I underwent when he was still in utero.  While she could not say it was either way she was baffled that his lungs were without any abnormalities, if this would have been congenital then typically you would have seen other abnormalities. 

So that has been very difficult, because we were the ones who signed the consent form.

As a mother I feel like part of my job is to protect my children.  So the thought that I might have willingly had a hand in his death has been difficult, although a very unfair statement and one the evil one wants me to believe.

So when these “what if’s” make their way into my mind.  I’ve been trying to praise the Lord for the days we were given with Seth.

A friend recently shared with me that the "what if" game, is not a fair game. You will always lose because you know information on this side that you couldn't have possibly known on the other side. It's our choice of whether or not to enter into a stacked game where you already know the outcome.  Honestly it’s so hard to not enter into this game, but it’s not glorifying to God.

God says he’s ordained our days.  Seth lived for two days and it while we may never know the reason for his death, I’m so thankful for the two days he allowed us to touch him.

I’m sure it will be something I struggle with for a while.  But I’m praying the Lord would remove all doubt, worry and guilt.  It’s a choice and I want to desperately choose to be grateful.