Three years

It has been 3 years since Seth was born yet the memories seem so fresh.  Possibly because I’m very pregnant again, just as I was three years ago, and again having constant contractions, just as I did 3 years ago.  If I close my eyes it is almost as if I am able relive the moment the doctor told us I would be delivering Seth later that afternoon.  I remember I was so very scared, I could not stop crying, all my emotions were being manifested through my tears.  I was so terrified he would not be born alive.  I wasn’t prepared to say goodbye.  I don’t think you ever can be.

One of the medical students came in the next day and told us that he had never been at a delivery where the mom was so somber.  It took every ounce of me to remain calm in the operating room, and not be a puddle of tears, I wanted to be present for whatever the Lord was giving us, and was so thankful/relieved when we heard two of the sweetest tiniest of cries our ears have ever heard.

I think his birthday and heaven birthday will always be a difficult days, but this year for me is different, he would have been 3 today.  A 3 year old has been ushered out of the baby stage of life, and has officially entered the big boy world, and for some reason that is really hard for me to accept.  It’s hard because I only knew him as a tiny little babe and only can imagine what he would have been like as an active three year old.

This year our family is separated and we’ve always tried to make his birthday a family day, a day where we can remember, yet cherish all the children the Lord has given us, and here we find ourselves on two different continents, singing Happy Birthday on Skype and it stings my heart.

I’ve been a mess the past several days, tears are quick to the surface, wondering how I’ll make it through the day without my family beside me.  I was thankful for dear friends in this city who remembered our son.  Who carved out time in their day to join me for a cup of coffee and that the Lord knew I would need a friend passing through the city to spend the day with me.  Those of you who prayed for our family today.  Thank you it really means the world and I know that you were a part of the sweetness of this day.

As I read my Bible this morning I was so encouraged by how the Word speaks and comforts my heart, today it was as if Paul had written this prayer for me,

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he will strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.”  Ephesians 3:16-18

His love is long and high and deep and I certainly felt it today.  Praise the Lord who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine!!!!-{Ephesians 3:20}