Happy Birthday Mom!

Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Purple

I had to giggle when Calvin told me his favorite color was rainbow in his birthday interview.  So cute.  Later he clarified by saying if you say rainbow it means you like all the colors.  Thanks for the additional info buddy, but it’s still cute.

Speaking of rainbows this fall I started reading about food dyes from Brooke, and their effects on kids behavior.  If you’ve read our blog you know about Micah.  He’s a handful and if you’ve ever been around him you know what that means.  He requires constant supervision, he’s a very physical child, and can throw some pretty epic tantrums.

When I started reading some of the effects that food dyes have on children, it got me thinking about whether his tantrums, impulsive behavior, aggression, and difficulty sleeping were partially due to food dyes. 

We were a little creative when it came to colors on our gingerbread houses this year.
But dried cranberries did the trick.

I immediately went to the kitchen and started to look into things that might have food dyes that he eats.  Sure enough the yogurt I was buying for the boys had food dyes (Micah can eat 3 of these in one sitting).  The sliced cheese I bought for grilled cheese, my precious imported mac and cheese packets, both lunch staples around here have food dyes.  Don’t even get me started with candy.  The boy loves it and Marvin and I have commented more than once that it turns him into a little monster.  We’ve even said that about M&Ms and Calvin.

So I did a little experiment.  I eliminated food dyes.  And while it didn’t eliminate all the tantrums (he is a toddler), we didn’t have an entire day defined by fits, screaming, and constant melt downs.

I was convinced, but it took a little more convincing on Marvin’s end.  Then he ate a decorated frosted sugar cookie.

Some friends came by to go caroling and brought us some yummy treats.  Calvin and I left with them to do some more singing and I forgot to tell Marvin not to give Micah anything with food dyes.  I got home to find out he’d given him a sugar cookie.

The next day was hideous. 

Tantrums.  All. Day.  Long. 

Everything was a big deal.  He was more aggressive, moody and it was at this point Marvin knew.  No more food dyes.

For us it hasn’t been that difficult to make this switch, although we have to watch what neighbors give him.  Thankfully we live in a place where they are not in everything.  But when his brother gave him an M&M one day you would have thought he was holding poison, I literally dove and pulled it out of his hand before it could reach his lips.  Being a nice mom I gave him a piece of chocolate instead. 

It seriously makes that big of difference for him.  I think we’ll have to be a little more creative when it comes to cookie decorating, birthday cakes, etc. until I can get some natural food coloring but it’s something that is completely worth it.  

Orange you going to close the door

Lately we’ve found Micah playing in the house at random hours of the night.  I guess when he wakes up he thinks it’s time to get up and rather than come wake us up he just turns on his light and starts playing, or goes to the living room and starts playing.  He’ll eventually make enough noise that it wakes me up and I check my watch and sure enough it’s 3:00 a.m.

It’s a good thing his brother is a deep sleeper.  He has never once woken up despite all the noise and lights Micah has turned on.

Well due to his crazy little sleep schedule we always close the kitchen door before we go to bed because I’ve cleaned up way to many crackers and water recently.  But occasionally in our exhausted state we forget. 

See why we close the door? 

Micah helped himself to some oranges one night.  I bought 4 oranges at the stores for the next day and the little man opened them all.  I am impressed at his strength though.  I’m not sure I could split an orange in half with my bare hands when I was two.

He also poured himself a nice bowl of sugar.  The boy knows where the good stuff is.

So I guess this means I better start double checking that door.

a Childhood dream

I have a very fuzzy childhood memory, but one that made a big impression on me.  I remember going to a gym where my mom worked out and was so impressed.  I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to go and work out on my own.  I remember watching work out videos and just dreaming about teaching aerobics some day.

Well that childhood dream that I never really thought much about just came true.  Early in December I headed to the big city for a 2 day Zumba fitness instructor training and since then I’ve been using all my “extra” free time to learn new choreography.  

To show you how much dancing I've been doing, recently Calvin said, “Mommy why are you always dancing.”  It’s true but I'm trying to get a good 50 song rotation so I can change up my classes weekly.  Right now I'm working on the last 20 songs.

I'm learning a ton from teaching and trying to figure out the best way to instruct certain steps.  But most importantly I'm having a blast.  I'm so thankful that I get to teach something I love.  So if you are ever in our area or I'm in yours let's turn up the music and get a good workout together.  I'd love it.

Christmas highlights

So even though this year has been overcast with heartache we had some sweet Christmas memories this year that I do not want to neglect either.

Our friends organized a caroling night.  When I told Calvin that sometimes during Christmas people go to each other’s houses and ring the door bell and start singing Christmas carols, he responded by saying, “I don’t believe you.” 

So when the crew arrived at our house to sing he finally believed me and he had so much fun caroling at the three houses/apartments we went to.  It was such a hoot listening to 4 boys in the back of the van singing, “Jingle bells, batman smells robin laid an egg.”  He loved caroling and keeps asking me when we can do it again.

A sweet friend who came to stay with us in November brought us an IKEA gingerbread house, thanks so much S!  I picked up another one at IKEA and I’m glad I did, we avoided many conflicts and both boys were able to decorate as they wished and eat as they wished.  Micah enjoyed the eating involved in decorating but he eventually got into the spirit of it and loved sticking things on the house.

Calvin did a good job this year too.  He was pretty proud of his house.  And didn’t want to destroy his house by eating it, yet managed to eat bulk of his brother’s

I decided this year I didn’t have it in me to make breakfast for Christmas morning. So I bought the sugary cereal Calvin is always begging me to get at the store, it’s the only they sell here with a prize in it.  I randomly found this other cereal too, and didn’t know which one they’d like better.  

Obviously he was a fan and surprised and of course choose the one with the prize.  I love how a puzzle inside a cereal box makes his day. 

We were thankful that we only put one piece of candy in the boys stocking this year.  They each got a kinderegg and of course the gift Calvin gave his daddy this year was a kinder egg.  Chocolate is Micah’s favorite type of candy and he promptly tore off his wrapper and ate his, as soon as he saw his brother’s and Marvin’s egg they were devoured.  It’s a good thing for him that his brother was thrilled with the trade off the toy inside for the chocolate outside.  Honestly I think Calvin tolerates the chocolate because there is a surprise toy inside, he’s not my chocolate guy.

After we opened gifts the boys played watched their new movies and I took a nap while Marvin flipped through a sports illustrated he got from my parents.  It was glorious.  It’s not often I get a nap, so it was a tremendous blessing.

The boys loved skyping to both sets of grandparents.  My parents called during breakfast and Micah gave them quite the eyebrow show and he was very enthusiastic opening his gifts.  I love his little wow.  We were able to call Marvin’s family later in the afternoon, but I was busy getting dinner ready to really get good time with them. Both boys love skype and I’m so thankful that they get to grow up seeing them, what a blessing technology is.

Later in the day we had some singles come over and we enjoyed a yummy meal and lots of laughing.  It was a blessing having a fun home this Christmas, even if it meant a little extra work on my part. 

'Tis the season

I didn’t know what to expect this Christmas.  It’s something all the books on grief touch on, but even though all the reading I’ve done I still didn’t know what would be hard.  I remember last year as I hung our stockings I delighted in telling Marvin how next year we’d have to make room for another stocking.  I remember thinking how crazy Christmas morning would be with three boys (I knew Seth would be a boy from the positive pregnancy test).  So without him here I had to confront the unspoken plans I made in my heart, those were difficult confrontations wrought with tears. 

As a whole I’d say this Christmas season I’ve lacked energy and the so called “Christmas Spirit”, whatever that is.  What I’ve gleaned out of this season is gratitude that our son is spending his first Christmas with the reason we celebrate.  That is a treasured gift.

I had looked for a special ornament to mark this year for Seth and finally found it.  Thank you Beki for making it extra special!  It is perfect.

I decided that it would be nice to have something under the tree for Seth.  I want our boys to grow up knowing that Seth is still a part of our family and because we were blessed with him we want to bless others. I was thrilled to add a few things other had given in his name to his blessing sock!  Thank you friends and family for not forgetting Seth this year.

I did sew up a stocking for him with the extra fabric I had left over to hang with the rest of ours.  I would have to say the hardest thing was taking the stockings down to fill them on Christmas Eve.  I passed by them several times, but just didn’t have it in me to do it.  I didn’t know what would be better leaving Seth’s hanging or taking it down and it remaining empty.  Both options seemed painful, so I was thankful that Marvin eventually did it.

When a friend headed back to the states I sent her back an envelope with a little ornament I made for Seth’s grave, a superman angel.  I couldn’t bare the fact that I couldn’t place anything at this grave this Christmas.  I was so grateful for her willingness to take it back to the states and mail it.

I was so blessed to get this video this week.  I have such a sweet family.  Thank you for remembering Seth this year and for visiting his grave, despite the cold and wind, thank you for gathering around the place where we put our sweet baby to rest and singing about the birth of a savior who so tenderly cares for us.  It means so much to us.

Leaving 2012

I had not anticipated the approaching New Year as a time that would be difficult, yet this past week I’ve been weary.  New Year's Eve I was a weepy mess and it seemed like I woke up feeling the heaviness of missing Seth.  I tried to shake it, tried distracting myself, but there was no distracting the pain my heart was feeling, the tears just continued.  So we canceled our plans for the evening, because I wasn’t emotionally up to a joyful evening of playing games with friends.  After dinner I just collapsed on the couch and I couldn’t help remembering how last year I was curled up in bed well before midnight exhausted from the work it took my body to nourish and nurture Seth in my womb.  To be honest it hurt that this year I was curled up on the couch exhausted from grief, sad that I couldn’t spend this day holding him.

After some reflecting I think the reason why this day was so difficult was that time continues.  The calendar page would soon be forced to turn again, yet this time instead of turning a page, it was about to be replaced with a new calendar, its crisp white pages are never to be filled with memories of Seth.  They won’t be filled with his first steps, first teeth, first words….just more grieving. 

It felt like this New Year’s Eve I was forced to say goodbye to a year that brought us the sweet joy of Seth.  It seemed almost cruel to have to leave the beauty of a year filled with him behind.  I wanted to cling to the year where I got to stroke his hair, hold his hand, feel his silky skin, cradle him in my arms, sing over him and kiss him. 

So when the fireworks exploded around us to celebrate a new year, grief wrapped its strong grip on my heart and the reality emerged that the distance between the time Seth was physically with us was growing. 

Today I was reminded of a song we sang at Seth’s funeral.  It was good to remind myself of the last verse. 

I’m praying that the Lord would help me see these passing days as days that I’m not separated from Seth, but just another day closer to enjoying eternity together with my shelter in this storm.  I’m thankful for faithful hands that do not and cannot fail.

Thanks friends for walking this road with me.  You are dear to me.

Rabbits, Santa and Pirates oh my

Calvin had his New Year performance at preschool this week.  He did a really good job and I'm always so amazed at the work his music teacher and teachers put into putting on a good show and I’m so thankful for that.  It will be fun memories he’ll have for years.

Performance is highly valued here, and every child had a few lines to say, some sang solos, some had lots of lines, definitely different than the short 15 minute preschool programs in the states, his was an hour long.  Micah got a bit restless at about the 40 minute mark.

playing a racing game around the Christmas tree

However as extravagant as it was, it had a very bizarre plot.  Sometimes things like that remind me that Calvin is growing up in a very different place than America.  This year his New Year performance included pirates slipping Santa something in his drink, which made him fall asleep so they could kidnap the snow queen, and then held her for ransom for presents and finally the pirates pulled swords and guns on Santa when they found out they were given fake candies.  In the end Santa prevailed over evil.  But there were a couple of suspenseful moments during the play I could tell Calvin was a little nervous about.

Here’s a few snippets from the show. Calvin was a part of the  rabbit Calvary soldier drumming line.  He made a very cute rabbit solider and took his drumming very seriously.

 

Of course he had a few lines to say too.  He did such a good job this year of saying them loudly and this year we didn't even have to work on them at home.

In case you didn’t believe me about the whole pirate thing.

TWO and three months

TWO and three months

Well my little Micah man is two, which just happens to be his favorite number.  Actually it’s the only number he knows, but when asked how old he is, he’ll say it with passion.  I love it.

What a gift this little man is.  He certainly keeps us on our toes.  But oh my does he bring some good laughs.  I’m so thankful that I’ve got the opportunity to be his mom for the past 2 years (and three months).

It seems like my Micah stories are endless…..maybe because he’s just so curious, and quiet…and fast.

Snapshot @ Two……

Motor skills are your specialty.  We often call you our little jumping bean and I think bouncing houses were made for you.  You’re our budding alpinist; if you are determined enough no height will stop you.  Another favorite game you like to play is called; see how fast mommy can run to catch me.  Once eye contact has been made you’ll jump regardless of how close I am.  We’ve had some close ones but thankfully I’ve made it just in time.

You love to throw things; we’re working on finding the appropriate objects that may be thrown right now.  Although that time you threw your roast beef past Aunt Nat and hit your brother in the face during prayer time at dinner was classic.

You’re strong and one of your favorite games to play is to run from behind someone if they are sitting on the ground/bed and jump on their back and try to pull them to the floor.  You win that game a lot.  You also know how to hold onto a toy when someone else is trying to take it.  A skill necessary with local playmates.

You love playing with your brother’s little legos and your duplos.  You can spend hours building, building and building.  Usually cars or airplanes…. and those noises, you are great at sound effects.  When you are not building you usually are playing with your beloved tractors, trucks or cars.

Recently you’ve started becoming interested in art projects but I think it’s more about pointing at the fridge and showing me what you made often throughout the day.

You still take eating seriously.  You come to the table with a plan and there is no playing around. You know the routine.  Get in your chair, strap in, add your tray and fold your hands for prayer.  You love pizza, and any form of bread, you adore cheese, noodles and fruit.  You are hit and miss on your veggies and still will not take a drink of milk without spitting it out.  But oh how you love yogurt and I’m always amazed at how much you can eat.

You love to read and love to curl up on our laps and will keep bringing book after book. 

You still are a terrible sleeper, but thanks to blackout curtains you’ve learned to sleep until 7:00 a.m., well some days.  You are an active sleeper, and recently we’ve been woken up one too many times to a foot kicking our heads from little boy who’s slipped in bed with us, and decided that laying horizontally along our pillows is the best place to sleep.

You’ve finally started saying more words and are starting to use 3 word sentences.  Your memory is improving and almost daily you tell me “bird, shhhheeeeewwww, mama bye, bye.”  While pointing at the balcony and still remember the very traumatic event a few months ago when you went out on the balcony and a bird flew right past your ear and I had to face my own fears of birds and open the window for our little birdie friend to escape.

And last but not least those eyebrows….you can communicate so much with those things. 

I love those little brown eyes with curiosity glistening in them.  I love that we have to work a little to get a smile out of you.  Love how you get excited over tractors and trucks.  I love your requests to be held.  The snuggling and wrestling, the bear hugs, the passion you have for life.  I have a feeling this year is going to be a good one to help shape your character.  I pray daily for you to grow into a leader after God’s heart.

I love you Micah Man.  All 35#s of you.

The hard places

This was written after reading this piece.  This is my reality.......

There have been some really difficult things the past five months.  Initially there were many. 

Leaving the hospital with empty arms. 

Buying one outfit for Seth…the one we chose to bury him in.

Choosing a tiny coffin and not a baby bed

Getting Seth’s birth certificate with the words Infant Death stamped across it.

Receiving an autopsy report in the mail. 

The hospital bills, and insurance statements, delivered daily, could be equated to salt in a wound, making the pain throb more.

Those were all hard, very hard.

But recently it’s been the things that have snuck up on me that have been difficult.

Decorating the boys’ birthday cakes this year was so very difficult for me.  I cried through each one as I was reminded that I’ll never be able to see his Seth’s face light up at a sight of a birthday cake. 

As we got the boys ready for our fall party, I couldn’t help but wonder which super hero Seth would have loved.  I wondered how cute he would have looked in a miniature costume this year and that’s all I was left with…wondering…dreaming…missing him

Seeing little babies for the first time, those who Seth was supposed to grow up with… grieving more unrealized dreams I had for him.

Turning the calendar page again…marking another month without him.

My reality is that I sometimes cry when I do the mundane tasks, like washing laundry for only two little boys, some days when the baskets are empty I wish I had more, wish they were still overflowing, but they aren’t. 

There are days when I close my eyes and I replay every second I held Seth in my arms.  The words from Seth’s doctor saying there is nothing else they can do, pierce my heart a little more each time they are replayed. 

My reality is wishing I had just one more minute with him in my arms.  My reality is caring for two active boys beaming with life wanting to give them all of me and yet sorrow creeps in and brings Mommy to tears…again.  They’ve become accustomed to my tears. 

My reality is pondering heaven and not milestones.

The rustle of leaves is now beneath our feet.  We are walking uncharted territory as we head into the holiday season and that is really hard to get excited about.

It’s these little things that bring me back to reality and literally take my breath away.  I’m sure there will be many more, but for now I face each one head on.  I pray for the strength to endure them and that my eyes will be open to the gift that comes with each one.

This is my reality at 5 months without him.

30 and 31

Day 30 Your Grief Tell the World

Thankful to share this as part of the Spoken Word Blog Round Up

Day 31 Sunset

I missed Seth as we soaked in this beautiful sunset at the sea this year.  But I’m sure the sights of heaven that Seth sees daily are far richer and far more beautiful.

Continuing to Capture Grief

Day 22 Place of Birth

Day 23 Seth’s Photo

Day 24 Siblings

This picture takes me back to a sweet time of our excitedness to add you to our family.

Day 25 Sweet Gifts

Shortly before I had our earth shaking ultrasound at 31 weeks and 5 days a friend of mine who was moving back to the states had given me some fabric that she thought I might enjoy.  I was so blessed because I really wanted to make something for Seth but just didn’t have any cute new fabric that would be his own.  She gave me some cute whale flannel fabric which I quickly transformed into new burp cloths just for Seth the day after they were in my possession.  I was thrilled to be able to sew something for him as I’ve loved creating things for each of my boys.

Fast forward to the day we said goodbye to Seth.  I was sad that we didn’t bring the blanket that my mom had made for him to the hospital, but the hospital staff found a blanket for us and it was the same fabric that my sweet friend had given me back home half way around the world.  It was such a sweet gift from the hand of God.  That print was my connection to Seth, even though my hands did not sew that blanket which I wrapped around him, it was his print.  Thank you Caitlin, a million times over.

Day 26 Seth’s Age

Day 27 Artwork

Shortly after we returned home a sweet friend gave me this framed picture.  I love that she used two of my favorite photos I have with Seth.  What I also love about is that a local friend of hers made it.
 

Day 28 Memory

Oh how I wish we would have recorded the two sweet cries we heard in the delivery room. They were an unexpected surprise and brought tears and relief to our worried hearts.  Seth was alive and we heard him cry.  I have felt that Seth gave it all he could to give both Marvin and I each one special gift, a cry.  We heard his voice.  Even though we did not record it digitally it is forever recorded in my mind.

Day 29 Music

Thankful that I have eternity to look forward to.

I cannot wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song.  It’s going to be beautiful.  Some days I’m jealous that Seth’s already enjoying it.

Bottling up some squeaky

This is my attempt at bottling up Calvin’s squeaky voice I love so much.

I know the days are coming to an end where he no longer says “Elegator” for elevator, or “I’ve changed my remind”, instead of I’ve changed my mind.  So I'm soaking them up and enjoying each and every one of them.

Capturing Grief {week 3}

Day 15 Wave of light

Missing you Seth as I lit a candle beside a few things that remind me of you.

Day 16 Release

100 balloons floating to heaven. 

Day 17 Due Date

We spent some time with your knees.  What a gift.

Day 18 Family Portrait

Day 19 Project

A book filled with memories of you.

Day 20 Charity

When Seth died, the hospital gave us a box from Little Thunder.  These gifts are still some of the sweetest gifts we have received.  My heart’s desire is to be able to love others in the same way.  Pray for us as we investigate possibilities of giving gifts to those who lose babies in Nineveh.  My heart aches to be able to love on families here.

Day 21 Sacred Place

My newly acquired chair, I placed it in the space where Seth’s bed would have been in our room.  Sometimes it’s just comforting to sit in a place where I anticipated him being.  It’s a place where I meet with Jesus.  A place I often pour out my broken heart before our Father, a place where he is mending my broken heart.  That is sacred.

weary

I did it.  I reached my goal.  Losing all the baby weight by 4 months postpartum.

It feels good to meet goals.  But what I didn’t expect was to feel unsatisfied and sad at this milestone.

It feels good to fit into the clothes in my closet.

But there is a part of me that just feels pain.

Like a little piece of Seth is gone.  That physical reminder that he was here is now gone.  I physically look the same, but I sure don’t feel the same. 

There are days I just long to hold him.  I wonder what our life would look like now juggling three preschoolers.  

Some days my arms feel heavy with the weight of emptiness.

Some days that crumples me to tears. 

A sweet teammate of ours gave us Tenth Avenue North’s album.

When I heard this song it was the words of my heart that day. 

The truth is my soul often times feels worn. Not in a scary suicidal way but just worn from the pain and heartache that is constantly with me.  Worn with the heaviness of walking this earth without a child, torn between the world I am living in and the one my heart longs for.

I love the part about wanting see Redemption win. I desperately want to see the Lord mend my torn heart.  Isn’t that the beauty in all of this?  That redemption does win.  Sometimes I just need a reminder that He has already won…eternity awaits us.

Until then I’ll always miss my baby.

Five

Calvin and I had a little chat on his birthday because I decided he’s not allowed to have any more birthdays.  He must remain five forever.  Apparently he thinks my request is a bit ridiculous.

But seriously how on earth did this boy turn 5 already?!?!

Since I can’t stop him from growing I’m going to enjoy these days and savor them.

Looking back over the past year here are a few things about my little Calvinator that I love.

·         The second your eyes are open you are talking and can talk all day long.

·         I love the impromptu songs that come out of your mouth along with some amazing dance moves.  I love how you sing your heart out to our Seeds of Faith CDs in the van.

·         You’re willing to do hard things.  Just watching you adjust to preschool and really thrive there was such a gift.  I’m so thankful that you are willing to learn a new language little man.  I know it’s not easy but you are doing amazing at it.

·         You have a love for learning and I’m praying we can nurture that into a little boy who is always hungry for knowledge.  You love doing school, particularly math and science.  You make me proud.

·         You’re creative and love any chance you get to draw, color, paint, cut, or make something.

·         You spend hours each day building with legos.

·         You love to read.

·         Love to save the world daily.

·         Love tromping around the great outdoors and collecting rocks, sticks, acorns, buckeyes and flowers.

·         You are a great helper cleaning the house and you love to dust and clean the windows, which I’m so grateful for.

·         You’ve started to ask some really good questions about God and already know so many verses from God’s word.

·         You’ve been willing to talk about hard subjects such as death and have had such a sweet perspective of heaven that has blessed me.

·         And yesterday you marveled that your shoes still fit you now that you are five.  Amazing.

Stop growing so quickly please.  I want to enjoy your little squeaky voice a bit longer.

Calvin.  I’m praying the Lord will grow your understanding of him this next year and that you will trust him and serve him the rest of your life.  I thank the Lord for using you to sharpen me.  You are such a gift and it’s a joy is to be your mom.

I love you Calvin.

Just Be

While we’ve had a few comments that really got under our skin, from day one I’ve prayed that I would be a grace giver in those times of insensitivity.  Especially as we returned back home to Nineveh, which honestly is where we have received the most.

So how do you comfort the brokenhearted?  Before Seth died I wondered the same thing.  How do I love on those who have lost a child while I still have mine.  It's a hard place to be.  Thankfully the word gives us some instruction.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn."  –Romans 12:15

So pull up alongside them, grieve with them, pray for them, and cry with them.  Acknowledge the life the Lord created in their child.  Acknowledge the preciousness of their life. 

Say their child’s name.  It's sweet to hear Seth's name.  I'm thankful when others do, it lets me know that he hasn’t been forgotten by our friends.

And simply say I’m sorry.

Be okay with silence. 

Be okay with tears and settle into the uncomfortableness of the death of a child. 

Because that’s just what it is…uncomfortable.

Don’t try to explain it away,

..it was God’s will

..it wasn’t meant to be

..it was for the better

Because it wasn’t.  We live in a fallen world; this wasn’t God’s original plan.

Just be there. 

Bring meals. 

Clean. 

Wash their dishes. 

Give thoughtful gifts.
Keep calling.  
Don't forget that they are still grieving several months...years down the road.  
Ask good questions that go beyond "How are you doing?"
Let them know you are praying for them.

Give them you.

You will bless them.

linking up with We are That Family today.