Celebrating Seth {on his first birthday}

This post is long overdue, but I did want to share how the Lord filled Seth’s birthday with comfort and hope.

We sent a few gifts for Seth’s stone back with some sweet girls who got to spend a semester with us.  It helped waking up in the morning knowing that something would be delivered to his grave.  I think that was probably one of the hardest parts of the day for me.

Our day started with a friend stopping by at 9:30 and asked us to go outside.  As we stepped outside, tears immediately swelled as we saw our family (the ex-pat community) standing out on the playground each holding a balloon.  We were blessed beyond measure.

They prayed for us, rejoiced in our son, and remembered him.  It truly touched our hearts.  Then we watched our balloons float to heaven.  It was good to be able to hug our family here on his birthday.  What a gift they have been to us this past year.

Calvin got to give away some bubbles and cars to some kids on our playground before we headed out for the day.  We had a few left over so we hid them around our playground for other neighbor kids to find later.  I love seeing the joy it brought Calvin to give things away.  Micah even helped pass out the bubbles.  I’m thankful we were able to do something like that as a family, to remember Seth.

Of course all our neighbors wanted to know what the balloons were about in the morning and was a good chance to explain it was our son’s birthday and our friends wanted to pray for us and remember him, yet another way Seth's life has allowed us to share our hope in Jesus.

Since it was warm enough we decided to take our picnic lunch to the river and Marvin choose the perfect spot. After a little hunting we found a great little off shoot, with the perfect little slide for the raft and all the sand and rocks Micah could ever want.  Marvin and I enjoyed watching the two boys he’s given us play.

 

After the perfect afternoon we headed home, picked up some pizza while two little boys snoozed in the backseat.

We sang Happy Birthday.  And enjoyed cake. 

It was a day we felt the Love of Christ.  Although we missed Seth and wish we could have celebrated by chasing him around, and watching him open presents and enjoy cake for the first time our anticipation of eternity grew on his birthday.  We are thankful for the hope we have in Jesus and that he carries us through days such as these.

**Thank you to all of you who love us through loving on others in Seth’s memory.  Our hearts were deeply touched.  Thank you so much.

Made It!

Not only did I make it to 9 months.  I’m almost 39 weeks along.  Crazy.  I’ve decided my body is incredibly unpredictable.

My fluid level remained high until 36 weeks, and things started progressing, and then one day it dropped and the contractions stopped.  So when we were actually ready for this baby to come, he decided to stay put, and pack on the pounds. I’m scared at how big he’s going to be.

The reality of this little guy’s arrival finally dawned on me today.  I haven’t really thought much about having a third little one to care for because honestly it hasn’t happened yet. I haven’t really ventured into thinking about sleepless nights, how Micah will react to a new baby brother, homeschooling with two little ones to take care of and trying to concentrate on teaching Calvin, recovery, traveling with three, etc.

So when I got off the phone today with the doctor to schedule his induction, it suddenly became real.  

Like…………..

He’s going to be here this week real. 

Oh my goodness our life is going to change real.

Wow.

I would be lying if I would tell you that I’m completely at peace about everything.  In fact many days it’s the opposite.  I’m scared that we’ll lose this one as well.

Part of me is nervous about having a newborn again, and that it will bring up more emotions and grief, which I’m sure will happen, but I think most of it is just uncertainty of how grieving will look with a newborn.  Stepping foot in the hospital is enough to relive Seth’s birth and the time we got to spend with him.  I don’t want this little guy’s birth to be overshadowed with grief, I want to be present and for the Lord to fill me with his peace and joy with his arrival.

My heart longs to hold a sweet little newborn in my arms.  To cuddle and to enjoy him sleeping on my chest, free of tubes, and machines.  I can’t wait for those moments, but I’m scared they won’t come.

We sang the song Sovereign by Chris Tomlin at a conference this summer and honestly was so hard to sing, I mean truly sing it to the Lord with all of my heart.  But it was freeing at the same time to release all these fears, hopes, dreams into his loving hands about this newest little one.  It’s a daily battle, but the Lord is Sovereign in my greatest joy, AND sovereign in my deepest cry, and as we’re about to welcome this little guy into the world that song has become my prayer.

Thanks for walking this road with me friends.  It’s been a blessing to travel with you.

Nesting {After Losing a Baby}

Nesting….it’s an innate maternal instinct.  I’ve fought it with this little guy, and yet it keeps persisting.  So after crying out to the Lord decided it was time to prepare a little for this little guy’s arrival and it’s been fun to replace some of those fears with excitement for this little man that we are very much looking forward to meeting.

So I now have a dresser full of baby clothes that are washed and folded (thank you so much Jen).

There are a few diapers and wipes ready to go in the changing table.

The little guy has a bed set up, with new sheets I whipped up.

I picked out fabric for his baby quilt.

And whipped one up.  I love how it turned out.

But it’s been a battle to get this far.  I have not let all of my fears disappear, and it shows in the little details of nesting….The diapers are still in the package, just in case we have to return them.  I’ve held off on some purchases because I’m not certain we’ll need them.

There is always a plan B floating through my mind with those items I’ve made. 

When packing the hospital bag, my number one priority was to get a little outfit in it ASAP, not anticipating leaving the hospital (a nice perk that I’m praying we get to do this time), but primarily because I wished I would have had something to dress Seth in as we held him for the first and last time at the hospital.  Plan B.

So as we get closer to this little man’s due date my prayer is that the Lord will give me peace about his perfect plan for his life.  We’re already thankful how he’s knit him into our family.

It's not meaningless

We had a really sweet time at a conference with colleagues and it was so good for my heart to have some time to unpack the last 3 ½ years. 

We both were able to have some precious time alone, a gift after lots of packing, moving, travel, etc.  Sweet Jesus time, without any other distractions. 

We enjoyed lunches without the boys and I loved being able to engage in real conversations.  It was what we needed and it is always nice to be around people who get the life we live, and have a better understanding of how it shapes you.

The past 3 ½ years have been some of the hardest years of my life.  It’s been filled with lots of grief.  6 months in we said our first good bye, and they just keep getting thrown in our face.  We’ve said goodbye to 15 families/singles in that time.  Many have had no choice in their departure, others moved on to new places by choice.  Regardless how they left, a dent in our heart remains from these precious friends and we treasure the fact that we get to spend eternity with them someday. 

Each week it seems like there is another family added to that mix and I’m left to wonder….

 “What is Lord is up to in all this?” 

I have a very fleshly perspective on this life, and from where I am sitting it’s hard to reconcile all of it.  But trust Him I will.  I’ve seen the treasure that comes from that.

We choose to trust him through the loss of a child, and Jesus has truly been our breath and light in a dark and suffocating place.

We’ve weathered some storms that can only be survived by clinging to the Rock of Jesus Christ and because of that, the depth of who we are has increased tenfold. 

“Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart.  But take these truths and day by day focus on them.  Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.”  John Piper

“Though you take from me I will bless your name!”-Shane & Shane Though You Slay Me

Small Talk

One of the hard things about being in a new place, is meeting new people.  I don’t actually dread the meeting people part, that part I enjoy, it’s the question I am asked every time that is difficult…..

How many kids do you have?

I knew a conference we went to recently was going to be hard due to this question, but I survived the question and answered it more times than I could count.

It seems like an innocent question, and one I’ve asked a thousand women myself, an ideal conversation starter, but for me it’s a constant reminder that we are without one of our blessings.

Currently most people ask me what number this baby makes, that question isn’t hard to answer.  It’s the follow up ones, what ages are they?  Are they all boys?  “Oh where is your third, I only see two?”

Some days it’s easier, other moments the tears well up like we lost Seth yesterday.

Comments like…”You must have a busy house.”

Or……

“Wow another little boy.”

All are yet reminders that yes we have a full house but there is one voice missing.

These are the things I’m learning to embrace as normal.  It’s the life I’ve been blessed with and it’s a constant balance of discerning how much to share with those I meet.

I’m thankful that I’m a mom to 4 boys, even if that simple question might bring tears to my eyes for years to come.

5, 6, 7, 8

Well I’ve been a little slacking on the blogging.  Life just hasn’t given any time to sit and let my fingers unpack and capture a few things with words. 

I’m thankful that we are settled in the house where we will spend our time in the states, that I have a good game plan for homeschool this fall, and that I haven’t had to touch a suitcase in a week.

Many have asked about this pregnancy and it’s been a journey in trusting the Lord.  In fact just in the last week have I even let myself prepare for his arrival.  There are still moments when the “what ifs” hold my heart at ransom but the fact that he’s going to be here in about a month (by my gut) and this little innate nesting thing have helped me prepare a little more.

To sum up this pregnancy I think Calvin puts it best when he prays for his new brother,  “Lord, please help this baby not die right away, and for it not to have any problems like Seth did.”  Some days those prayers from his little lips bring tears to my eyes.  My little Calvin doesn’t want to see pain again, and wants to play with this little brother.  His mama feels the same way.

So it’s been hard, and it’s been a daily battle to enjoy this little man and not be gripped by fear.

Thankfully he’s looking very healthy, no signs of hydrops but I do have an abundance of amniotic fluid.  So I look much more pregnant than I am.  We were able to see the perinatologist and all test came back normal, although the excess fluid it puts me at risk for preterm labor and stillbirth.  All things that came with the diagnosis of polyhydramnios with the other boys, but those words are very real to me now.  I have emotions tied to them and pray desperately the Lord will keep this little guy safe in my womb until 36 weeks.

My OB tried to reassure us that things are looking great and that even if he does come early I’m getting to the safe point, where the death rate for preemies drops to 2%.  What he meant for comfort, didn’t take root  in my heart because we’ve had a baby in that 2%, we know that it’s possible, that only the Lord knows the number of our days.  The thought of it happening again is terrifying.

Thankfully the perinatologist is monitoring me weekly, with ultrasounds.  It’s been good for my heart to have that reassurance that he’s still okay on a weekly basis.  Plus getting a peek at our guy each week has been fun.  We’ve been told he already has hair and he’s got some pretty sweet cheeks that I can’t wait to smoother with kisses, in a month.

I’m having some consistent contractions and trying my best to rest when I can and let my crazy boys run circles around me.  Marvin and I would really love to attend a conference for parents who have lost children in Nashville on Labor Day weekend.  But if this little man comes before then, we’re just praying he’ll be healthy and safe.

Thanks for continuing to pray for us and for the health of our 4^th son.

Parks of Prague

Marvin was busy all day in class for 4 days of our vacation so the boys and I explored some amazing parks in Prague. 

Oh my goodness I had some serious park envy.  I love the park culture of overseas life.  Honestly it's been sad seeing these beautiful parks in the states deserted, no one playing in them.  I love how they are gathering points for moms, grandmas, nannies, etc.  Living in apartments it's so nice to have spaces to let the kids run around, and honestly walks are expected part of being a little kid.  There are times I would love to have my own little back yard playground, but love the social element of engaging with neighbors at the park multiple times a week.

Petrin Park (top of the hill)

Petrin Park bottom of the hill

.

My favorite park in our city is about a 20-25 minute walk from our house that has been such a blessing and break from our usual park we frequent the most, but oh my goodness these parks had some pretty fabulous equipment.

Just look at it.  My monkeys were in heaven.

Petrin Park (Top of the hill)

 Petrin Park (Bottom of the hill)

In the middle of a francisan garden

We thought these were pretty fun bikes

Children's Island Park

 The water fountain was a big hit with Calvin, despite how cool it was that day.

It was nice how this park separated the big kid stuff from the preschool toddler areas.

It was on a little island, which added to the fun factor.

And it had a pirate ship, which made both my pirate loving little boys happy.

Up, Up and Away part one {Prague}

In the midst of a busy time of year, we had the opportunity to take a family vacation.  We are so glad we could get away for a couple weeks.  It was nice to get away from the stress of living where we live and just enjoy family time, while being in some pretty fascinating places.  

This spring brought some unexpected heaviness on my heart.  I felt like I was in a good place in this grief journey until we got closer to Seth's first birthday.  So even though our vacation was timed during a BUSY time of year (i.e. prepping to go to the states for 6 month and moving) it was such a gift to have some time to step back, reflect, grieve and spend some extra time with the Lord.

Marvin was already traveling through the capital and had been gone for a week prior to the trip, so the boys and I hopped on a plane and met him at the airport up north for our connecting flight.  It was the smoothest flying experience ever.  Thanks to be to a gracious God and whoever invented the kindle fire.  New shows always lead to quiet kiddos, that and snacks I never buy for the boys which make their day.

We met up at the airport a little earlier than planned, I abandoned the plan to let the boys play for a while in the airport playroom due to some tired grumpy kids and we surprised Marvin a couple hours earlier than planned (because I was done with the single parenting, tired and figured it was best not to subject other little kids to Micah's possessive toy hoarding when he's exhausted).  It was good to be together again.

We went a couple days early so we could check out the major sites, although not inside most places.  (We decided museums are much better explored with older children who know a little more about history and with longer attention spans.  After seeing that bribing Calvin with ice cream was not going to work during our first museum it became apparent our family was not ready for museums.) So we just enjoyed the beauty of Prague and had fun while we were at it.

Calvin did learn a bit of history while we were there.  The one museum we went into was in the Jewish Quarter and I explained a little bit about WWII and a little bit about Hitler, i.e. a very bad guy who didn't have Jesus in his heart and wanted to hurt people he didn't light.  We saw a star and several pictures of Jews who had to wear them.  He remembered that quite well especially as we made our way to our second city asked more questions about why he would hate people like he did and why he was so mean to them.  I'm sure with his incredible memory he'll remember that little piece of history.  What a gift to be able to step food in such historical places of the world.

My Favorite thing in Prague:  Prague Castle, so charming

Calvin’s favorite:  The crazy climbing webs

Marvin’s favorite:  Architecture and atmosphere

Micah’s favorite: Trains {metro and trams}

American Soil

Hey friends.  Our feet are now on American soil.  It was a whirlwind of a June, which can explain the silence on my blog, which I hope to update soon.  I don’t ever recommend moving right before heading to the states for 6 months.  However as we were packing up Marvin mentioned that it was the longest place we had ever lived in our almost 11 years of marriage.  I am so thankful to not have had to move for 3 ½ years.  We just moved our stuff to our temporary one bedroom apartment, and we hope to find something a little bigger when we get back.

Right before we left I jotted down a top 10 list of things I’m looking forward to while we are in the states.  Here’s my list………

1.       Seeing Seth’s Stone.  It’s been really tough not being able to physically visit the cemetery.  I’m not sure what to expect, but my heart truly longs to just sit by his stone.

2.       Grandparents.  Having our parents close enough to watch the boys for a couple of hours every now and then is amazing.  It’s one of those things that I really miss living so far from them.  I am thankful for the times we have a nanny, but it’s something different when they get to make memories with their grandpas and grandmas at the same time.  ***We’ve had more dates this past week in America than we had in the last year in Nineveh.  Thanks Mom and Dad, we needed it.

3.       Meeting family members we haven’t yet met.  Can’t wait.

4.       Almond milk & Sweet Potatoes.  These two foods top my list of things I plan to eat plenty of while in the states.  This whole lactose intolerance thing sure is a pain, but for 6 months I can just pop on over to the store and buy almond milk vs. making it.

5.       Seeing the doctor. I’m not sure what to expect.  My only birth in the US was filled with a room full of doctors and I didn’t even have a regular OB, only saw a perinatalogist.  So I have no idea what to expect but thankful to have regular care starting in my 3^rd trimester.

6.       Being able to buy strawberries past June!!!

7.       Spending time with sweet friends.  We’ve missed hanging out with you.

8.       Cooperate Worship.

9.       Target/Grocery stores

10.   Parks

Approaching

This week is one I’ve been dreading for the last two months.  My heart has been extremely heavy.  Tears well up as I even think about it. 

How do you celebrate a first birthday without your child?

That question has been haunting me.  It’s led me to the cross with such intense brokenness lately.  The Lord has reminded me that, he’ll never leave me and I have felt his comfort in allowing me to breathe through the heartache I’m currently feeling.

As we’ve approached these life changing dates I close my eyes and relive the fear, desperation and fear that accompany them.  The pain is just as real today as it was a year ago.  Maybe it’s made more real by the little feet kicking in my belly this year, making it every easy to remember Seth’s movement in my womb.  Yet this year all I have are memories and the space he occupied is where his little brother’s growing and not Seth.

A year ago I was praying that the Lord would heal and save our son.  Today I’m praying for the strength to breathe and to praise him for Seth.  To be thankful for the gift Seth continues to be.

We are hoping his birthday will be a day we can remember a sweet gift he is and extend it to others.

So we invite you if you feel led to love on others on Seth’s Birthday, Saturday June 1^st.  Pay for a stranger’s meal, leave some money with a note in a vending machine, give some encouragement to a young mom or friend, take flowers to someone who needs a little cheering up or a complete stranger at the hospital, bring a box of donuts to the hospital waiting room, hid or give away free bottles of bubbles at the park, send a letter to someone and tell them how much a blessing they are to you….  The possibilities are endless.

I made a little printable that you are free to print and attach.  If you do something we’d be blessed to hear about it and even more blessed to see pictures.

Thanks for loving us through a really hard year.

a morning captured

We had some talented college girls come and spend a semester in our city, and one of them took some pretty fun family photos of us.  I was just hoping for one good one out of our morning, because Micah isn't exactly the easiest little one to photograph (which is why the last family photo we have he's upside down).

But not she was able to get a lot more than one good one, she's a talented one.  Thanks J!!!  Here are some of my favorites....

This one perfectly captures Micah's independent spirit.

It was at this point where we were all trying to convince Micah to come and hold Calvin's hand, we started walking and Micah stayed put.  A couple seconds later Calvin pipped up and said, "Umm, I don't think it's working."

oh Boy

Another little boy!

I guess we're on a roll.

4 boys.

I love it!

Mother's Day

I've never put much significance in Mother's Day.  Sure it's nice to be honored, because this job is hard and one that is navigated with much prayer and patience, which I'll confess I need more of.  However this year I was dreading it.

I'm thankful for the gifts I receive on a daily basis.  The surprise behind the back hugs I get from my Micah man, his little voice that says read books as he climbs into my lap.  Random "I love yous" throughout the day from Calvin.  Giggles, stories, car sounds, yet there's a third voice that isn't a part of the three boys I have welcomed into the world and sometimes that silence is deafening.  I often wonder what the decibel level would be like in our house with Micah and Seth so close in age.  What the dynamics would be between them.

So on days like Mother's Day it's hard to celebrate fully because a piece of what defines me as a mother isn't physically present.

This morning I saw this on facebook and perfectly summed up how I was feeling.  What a beautiful Portrait of a Mother she painted.