Not only did I make it to 9 months. I’m almost 39 weeks along. Crazy. I’ve decided my body is incredibly unpredictable.
My fluid level remained high until 36 weeks, and things started progressing, and then one day it dropped and the contractions stopped. So when we were actually ready for this baby to come, he decided to stay put, and pack on the pounds. I’m scared at how big he’s going to be.
The reality of this little guy’s arrival finally dawned on me today. I haven’t really thought much about having a third little one to care for because honestly it hasn’t happened yet. I haven’t really ventured into thinking about sleepless nights, how Micah will react to a new baby brother, homeschooling with two little ones to take care of and trying to concentrate on teaching Calvin, recovery, traveling with three, etc.
So when I got off the phone today with the doctor to schedule his induction, it suddenly became real.
He’s going to be here this week real.
Oh my goodness our life is going to change real.
I would be lying if I would tell you that I’m completely at peace about everything. In fact many days it’s the opposite. I’m scared that we’ll lose this one as well.
Part of me is nervous about having a newborn again, and that it will bring up more emotions and grief, which I’m sure will happen, but I think most of it is just uncertainty of how grieving will look with a newborn. Stepping foot in the hospital is enough to relive Seth’s birth and the time we got to spend with him. I don’t want this little guy’s birth to be overshadowed with grief, I want to be present and for the Lord to fill me with his peace and joy with his arrival.
My heart longs to hold a sweet little newborn in my arms. To cuddle and to enjoy him sleeping on my chest, free of tubes, and machines. I can’t wait for those moments, but I’m scared they won’t come.
We sang the song Sovereign by Chris Tomlin at a conference this summer and honestly was so hard to sing, I mean truly sing it to the Lord with all of my heart. But it was freeing at the same time to release all these fears, hopes, dreams into his loving hands about this newest little one. It’s a daily battle, but the Lord is Sovereign in my greatest joy, AND sovereign in my deepest cry, and as we’re about to welcome this little guy into the world that song has become my prayer.
Thanks for walking this road with me friends. It’s been a blessing to travel with you.