Continuing to Capture Grief

Day 22 Place of Birth

Day 23 Seth’s Photo

Day 24 Siblings

This picture takes me back to a sweet time of our excitedness to add you to our family.

Day 25 Sweet Gifts

Shortly before I had our earth shaking ultrasound at 31 weeks and 5 days a friend of mine who was moving back to the states had given me some fabric that she thought I might enjoy.  I was so blessed because I really wanted to make something for Seth but just didn’t have any cute new fabric that would be his own.  She gave me some cute whale flannel fabric which I quickly transformed into new burp cloths just for Seth the day after they were in my possession.  I was thrilled to be able to sew something for him as I’ve loved creating things for each of my boys.

Fast forward to the day we said goodbye to Seth.  I was sad that we didn’t bring the blanket that my mom had made for him to the hospital, but the hospital staff found a blanket for us and it was the same fabric that my sweet friend had given me back home half way around the world.  It was such a sweet gift from the hand of God.  That print was my connection to Seth, even though my hands did not sew that blanket which I wrapped around him, it was his print.  Thank you Caitlin, a million times over.

Day 26 Seth’s Age

Day 27 Artwork

Shortly after we returned home a sweet friend gave me this framed picture.  I love that she used two of my favorite photos I have with Seth.  What I also love about is that a local friend of hers made it.
 

Day 28 Memory

Oh how I wish we would have recorded the two sweet cries we heard in the delivery room. They were an unexpected surprise and brought tears and relief to our worried hearts.  Seth was alive and we heard him cry.  I have felt that Seth gave it all he could to give both Marvin and I each one special gift, a cry.  We heard his voice.  Even though we did not record it digitally it is forever recorded in my mind.

Day 29 Music

Thankful that I have eternity to look forward to.

I cannot wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song.  It’s going to be beautiful.  Some days I’m jealous that Seth’s already enjoying it.

Bottling up some squeaky

This is my attempt at bottling up Calvin’s squeaky voice I love so much.

I know the days are coming to an end where he no longer says “Elegator” for elevator, or “I’ve changed my remind”, instead of I’ve changed my mind.  So I'm soaking them up and enjoying each and every one of them.

Capturing Grief {week 3}

Day 15 Wave of light

Missing you Seth as I lit a candle beside a few things that remind me of you.

Day 16 Release

100 balloons floating to heaven. 

Day 17 Due Date

We spent some time with your knees.  What a gift.

Day 18 Family Portrait

Day 19 Project

A book filled with memories of you.

Day 20 Charity

When Seth died, the hospital gave us a box from Little Thunder.  These gifts are still some of the sweetest gifts we have received.  My heart’s desire is to be able to love others in the same way.  Pray for us as we investigate possibilities of giving gifts to those who lose babies in Nineveh.  My heart aches to be able to love on families here.

Day 21 Sacred Place

My newly acquired chair, I placed it in the space where Seth’s bed would have been in our room.  Sometimes it’s just comforting to sit in a place where I anticipated him being.  It’s a place where I meet with Jesus.  A place I often pour out my broken heart before our Father, a place where he is mending my broken heart.  That is sacred.

weary

I did it.  I reached my goal.  Losing all the baby weight by 4 months postpartum.

It feels good to meet goals.  But what I didn’t expect was to feel unsatisfied and sad at this milestone.

It feels good to fit into the clothes in my closet.

But there is a part of me that just feels pain.

Like a little piece of Seth is gone.  That physical reminder that he was here is now gone.  I physically look the same, but I sure don’t feel the same. 

There are days I just long to hold him.  I wonder what our life would look like now juggling three preschoolers.  

Some days my arms feel heavy with the weight of emptiness.

Some days that crumples me to tears. 

A sweet teammate of ours gave us Tenth Avenue North’s album.

When I heard this song it was the words of my heart that day. 

The truth is my soul often times feels worn. Not in a scary suicidal way but just worn from the pain and heartache that is constantly with me.  Worn with the heaviness of walking this earth without a child, torn between the world I am living in and the one my heart longs for.

I love the part about wanting see Redemption win. I desperately want to see the Lord mend my torn heart.  Isn’t that the beauty in all of this?  That redemption does win.  Sometimes I just need a reminder that He has already won…eternity awaits us.

Until then I’ll always miss my baby.

Five

Calvin and I had a little chat on his birthday because I decided he’s not allowed to have any more birthdays.  He must remain five forever.  Apparently he thinks my request is a bit ridiculous.

But seriously how on earth did this boy turn 5 already?!?!

Since I can’t stop him from growing I’m going to enjoy these days and savor them.

Looking back over the past year here are a few things about my little Calvinator that I love.

·         The second your eyes are open you are talking and can talk all day long.

·         I love the impromptu songs that come out of your mouth along with some amazing dance moves.  I love how you sing your heart out to our Seeds of Faith CDs in the van.

·         You’re willing to do hard things.  Just watching you adjust to preschool and really thrive there was such a gift.  I’m so thankful that you are willing to learn a new language little man.  I know it’s not easy but you are doing amazing at it.

·         You have a love for learning and I’m praying we can nurture that into a little boy who is always hungry for knowledge.  You love doing school, particularly math and science.  You make me proud.

·         You’re creative and love any chance you get to draw, color, paint, cut, or make something.

·         You spend hours each day building with legos.

·         You love to read.

·         Love to save the world daily.

·         Love tromping around the great outdoors and collecting rocks, sticks, acorns, buckeyes and flowers.

·         You are a great helper cleaning the house and you love to dust and clean the windows, which I’m so grateful for.

·         You’ve started to ask some really good questions about God and already know so many verses from God’s word.

·         You’ve been willing to talk about hard subjects such as death and have had such a sweet perspective of heaven that has blessed me.

·         And yesterday you marveled that your shoes still fit you now that you are five.  Amazing.

Stop growing so quickly please.  I want to enjoy your little squeaky voice a bit longer.

Calvin.  I’m praying the Lord will grow your understanding of him this next year and that you will trust him and serve him the rest of your life.  I thank the Lord for using you to sharpen me.  You are such a gift and it’s a joy is to be your mom.

I love you Calvin.

Just Be

While we’ve had a few comments that really got under our skin, from day one I’ve prayed that I would be a grace giver in those times of insensitivity.  Especially as we returned back home to Nineveh, which honestly is where we have received the most.

So how do you comfort the brokenhearted?  Before Seth died I wondered the same thing.  How do I love on those who have lost a child while I still have mine.  It's a hard place to be.  Thankfully the word gives us some instruction.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn."  –Romans 12:15

So pull up alongside them, grieve with them, pray for them, and cry with them.  Acknowledge the life the Lord created in their child.  Acknowledge the preciousness of their life. 

Say their child’s name.  It's sweet to hear Seth's name.  I'm thankful when others do, it lets me know that he hasn’t been forgotten by our friends.

And simply say I’m sorry.

Be okay with silence. 

Be okay with tears and settle into the uncomfortableness of the death of a child. 

Because that’s just what it is…uncomfortable.

Don’t try to explain it away,

..it was God’s will

..it wasn’t meant to be

..it was for the better

Because it wasn’t.  We live in a fallen world; this wasn’t God’s original plan.

Just be there. 

Bring meals. 

Clean. 

Wash their dishes. 

Give thoughtful gifts.
Keep calling.  
Don't forget that they are still grieving several months...years down the road.  
Ask good questions that go beyond "How are you doing?"
Let them know you are praying for them.

Give them you.

You will bless them.

linking up with We are That Family today.

Larry Boy and Trucks

This year we enjoyed another fun birthday party for the boys with some ex pat friends in our city.

I kept it simple this year.  I had lots of grand ideas but honestly this wasn’t the year for them.  (I'm learning to be a little more honest with my limits these days.)

Once his little friends arrived

We played veggie bowling

Then we had veggie races.

The little ones enjoyed the rice pit.

We went outside for to break the bad apple piñata.

We prayed.

We ate.

Sang happy Birthday.

Twice.

Had Cake.

A few had green tongues and teeth.

Opened presents.

Our friends know our boys here well.

Legos, puzzles and imaginary play tools for Calvin

And trucks for Micah.

The bigger kids watched a movie while us grownups chatted.

Then sent we them home with a few party favors.

It was a fun day filled with lots of memories.

Thanks to all who made their party special.

Our boys were well loved.

And Celebrated.

Birthday Week

At the end of birthday week this year I thought about getting a shirt made that said “I survived birthday week 2012”

We had a few other elements this week that lengthened the to do list, but I wanted to make sure these boys in my life knew how special they were.

Happy Birthday Marvin
Marvin was up first.  Calvin did a great job making a sign for daddy.  And per Marvin’s request we kept it simple but of course had fried tacos and peanut butter pie.  We even got to introduce our new teammates to his birthday meal this year.

Happy Birthday Calvin

Calvin loves all the birthday attention.  So I when I heard he was up I quickly went to his room and gave him a big happy birthday hug.  It started the day out pretty special.  He had balloons on his chair and pumpkin muffins waiting for him in the kitchen along with one present.  Marvin said he walked into preschool  with his arm out, proudly sporting his new watch.

We took some birthday treats to school.  This year we brought little monster guys made up of a little packaged bear cake, a juice box and a sucker.

For lunch I rocked his world with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on presliced American bread.  Love how the simpliest things could mean so much to him.  Later in the afternoon we skyped with Grandpa and Grandpa S and opened a few presents from them.

The rest of the day he was busy building legos and coloring in his new coloring books.  Thank you so much he loved them.  (Micah also was busy playing with his new bus.  He's been filling it with anything and everything.)

Later we enjoyed Calvin’s requested dinner, quesadillas and cupcakes then opened the rest of his presents.  He’s been asking for roller skates for the past year, so he was thrilled.  A little while later we put a very happy five year old to bed.

Happy Birthday Micah

We enjoyed a low key day celebrating our little introvert.  After a good nap he enjoyed playing in the rice left over from his party.

Birthday meal: mac & cheese.

He got to skype with grandpa and grandma T.  Both boys opened their presents from them. Micah loved his new truck and has been very excited for the Thomas fruit snacks.

After a birthday bath we watched a new Boz DVD.  He was so excited.  Then it was off to bed. Where we heard them playing for a good hour before they fell asleep.  Light sabers in the dark are pretty cool apparently.

I’m so grateful to have them here to hug and squeeze, I have treasured that gift even more this year.

Capturing Grief {week 2}

Three rings worn daily as a physical reminder that I’m a mom to three boys.

My quiet time space

2 Corinthans 4:16-18

So thankful for our family and friends who surrounded after we lost Seth . 

Some even traveled a ways to be with us. 

Those who were unable to be with us in person have sent countless emails, gifts, and flowers. 

We are blessed.

I will forever be brought back to our time with Seth any time I hear the beeping hospital monitors.  Maybe someday they will not bring tears.

When Seth’s doctor told us they had done everything they could do.  We called Marvin’s parents who were keeping the boys.  We asked them to make the 3 hour drive to bring the boys back to Kansas City.  I needed to get my arms around my boys, I needed to have our family together.

I remember they were both very quiet and glued to each other.  They held each other’s hands as they walked, rarely left each other’s side, and were exceptionally sweet to each other.  At one point they even tackled each other with a huge bear hug.

I felt like it was a picture of a promise from the Lord.  That we were going to travel this road together as a family before the Lord.  It was scary entering a road full of unknowns, but I felt like a reminder that he’d hold our hand each step of the way. 

We are not alone on this road of losing a child.

October

It’s sort of ironic that Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month falls during October.

October is birthday madness in our household.

Within one week Marvin, Calvin, and Micah celebrate their birthdays.

So adding in a time of remembering Seth seems a little fitting for our family.

As part of Infant Loss awareness month I’m going to Capture my Grief for 31 days.

Here’s week one.