Monday, April 19, 2010

Heavy Heart

There is so much in our world that can weigh our hearts down, and recently my heart has been very heavy. I've had moments of pure brokenness lately, maybe it's due to the changes of hormones, but recently I've been brought me to tears in an instant.

Recently Calvin's been working on saying his name. For a while he was convinced his name was cowboy. Now he only says it when he's trying to be silly. But how that one word has brought a heaviness to my heart, Cowboy. My grandpa used to call Marvin cowboy, because he was a farm boy. When we left the states our first term I never imagined coming back to my American world changed so much. A few days before we returned my grandpa died, he never was able to meet Calvin. Though we had discussed such things happening my mind never really went there. So it was bittersweet when I heard our sweet little guy call himself cowboy.

There are things that we've choosen to give up because we believe with all our hearts that what we are doing is what we are supposed to be doing and as I think about my grandparents and family it's hard to think of the what ifs.

Another silly little thing that has been hard lately has also been thinking about our next little one and family. We want our family to know our kids, one of my big motivators to keep this little ole blog going. But part of my heart is a little sad that my mom and Marvin's mom will never feel my big pregnant belly. That they may never get to share in the experience of holding our newborn babies. It's silly really but it's something I have been grieving.

There are many more things, watching the older grandmas and grandpas dig through the dumpsters in search for recyclables. Staring into the eyes of beggers at the market. The sin in my own life, tragedies, etc, etc.

I honestly believe that Father has given me such a heavy heart for a reason and it's been sweet to have such sweet times of crying out to Him for all these things. I do hope that Father burdens your hearts for something. Today I found a song I had long forgotten about in my itunes library. It started playing right in the middle of lunch, it was a fun time of worshiping Father. Calvin even joined in and sang too. This is my prayer today.

" I will not forget you you are my God my King, with a thankful heart I bring my offering and my sacrifice is not what you can give but what I alone can give to you."

1 comment:

The DeWeese Trio said...

Thanks so much for sharing this Erica! I think the distance from family would be the absolute hardest part of being overseas. Far more difficult than the culture or the living situations. Father has been placing constant lessons on compassion and the need for weeping (joel 2/12)in my path this week. It seems he was talking to my heart again through your post!