We knew it would be hard but we checked our bags and made the long trip back home without questioning that decision. Thankfully Micah did a little better on the flight home and slept some of the long flight, which helped considerably. Calvin can entertain himself pretty easily these days and the screens on the back of the plane made for effortless entertainment. So the traveling itself was fairly easy, well with the exception of a delayed flight which made us miss our flight home and added 24 hours to our travel time.
Being back has been different. Our team met us at the airport and gave us quite the greeting. They and other friends filled our fridge and freezer with lots of goodies and meals. I still haven’t had to cook yet, In fact might have forgotten how to do that because the other day I made some veggies to go with dinner and I grabbed the cayenne pepper instead of paprika and liberally seasoned them, only Marvin was able to eat those. Calvin was elated to see his friends. While are thankful we are home, it’s hard too.
This week past was a little more difficult. I had a couple of days where life was just so overwhelming, where it was difficult to just meet the needs of our boys. I think the reality of this is sinking in being home.
Much of our life feels very much the same, but it’s not. I think the hardest has been that our routine hasn’t changed, we only have 4 chairs at our table, no baby swing to move in and out of rooms, we still only put 2 boys to bed at night, as our neighbors greet us there are only 4 of us to greet, but there is there is one of us that is missing and that part is hard.
Then there is the telling others part. It’s been hard receiving Congratulations upon meeting friends and acquaintances who clearly see I’m not pregnant any longer. It’s hard to crush their smiles with the words, “Thank you, but our son died.” Thankfully it’s easier to say in another language, one that the words are new and therefore not so connected to our heart.
But we’ve been surprised at how many people have come. They have been doing what they do to comfort friends who have had a loved one die. They come and sit with us and offer their condolences and that has been a sweet gift. They have acknowledged our loss and while we’ve received some hurtful comments, we’ve been thankful that Seth has not been forgotten. Continue to pray as we learn what our new normal looks like.