I finished reading a great book recommended to me by a sweet friend who lost their baby, I Will Carry You, the Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. It was excellent and hard to read at the same time. Many times I felt as if she put my emotions to words. Maybe that’s why I haven’t felt like writing recently. I have been a jumbled mess of emotions that have been hard to describe.
One of the things that the author, Angie Smith dove into as she told her daughter’s story was the story of Lazarus. It’s a story I’ve read and reread since losing Seth. Throughout reading it, I’ve wondered why Jesus chooses to heal some.
From day one I envisioned that Seth was going to be healed. After leaving our ultrasound appointment I even thought, “Wouldn’t it be amazing to come back and tell them how big our God is and how he chooses to heal our little boy? To show them our healthy baby.” You know, bragging about how God is amazing and capable of doing only God sized things. I know it may seem silly but I did. As Angie touched on the story of Lazarus and how Jesus chose to move the stone away from his tomb and heal him, she so beautifully put to words my heart, although I inserted Seth’s.
So what are we to do when we feel the Lord has failed us?
We have done every bit of what we felt we could.
We trusted Him.
We called on Him.
We awaited His appearance and even fought doubt as the days passed
Because above all he is good right?
Then Seth arrived and there was hope.
Maybe we even got caught up in the fact that our hands were on the rock that God was going to use to show us his glory.
I was there I believed.
And Seth remained in the tomb.
It’s tough stuff, being at the tomb that is still there.
Watching your older boys run around a cemetery when they should be playing peek-a-boo with their baby brother.
Having empty arms and a chubby belly.
There are lots of questions and praying to trust the Lord in Seth’s death.
But there is one tomb that is empty and praying that he’d help me through those hard moments today.