Wednesday, July 18, 2012


I finished reading a great book recommended to me by a sweet friend who lost their baby, I Will Carry You, the Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith.  It was excellent and hard to read at the same time.  Many times I felt as if she put my emotions to words.  Maybe that’s why I haven’t felt like writing recently.  I have been a jumbled mess of emotions that have been hard to describe.

One of the things that the author, Angie Smith dove into as she told her daughter’s story was the story of Lazarus.  It’s a story I’ve read and reread since losing Seth.  Throughout reading it, I’ve wondered why Jesus chooses to heal some.

From day one I envisioned that Seth was going to be healed.  After leaving our ultrasound appointment I even thought, “Wouldn’t it be amazing to come back and tell them how big our God is and how he chooses to heal our little boy?  To show them our healthy baby.”  You know, bragging about how God is amazing and capable of doing only God sized things.  I know it may seem silly but I did.  As Angie touched on the story of Lazarus and how Jesus chose to move the stone away from his tomb and heal him, she so beautifully put to words my heart, although I inserted Seth’s.

So what are we to do when we feel the Lord has failed us? 

We have done every bit of what we felt we could. 
We trusted Him. 
We called on Him. 
We awaited His appearance and even fought doubt as the days passed
Because above all he is good right?

Then Seth arrived and there was hope.
Maybe we even got caught up in the fact that our hands were on the rock that God was going to use to show us his glory. 
I was there I believed.

And Seth remained in the tomb.

It’s tough stuff, being at the tomb that is still there. 
Watching your older boys run around a cemetery when they should be playing peek-a-boo with their baby brother. 
Having empty arms and a chubby belly.  

There are lots of questions and praying to trust the Lord in Seth’s death.

But there is one tomb that is empty and praying that he’d help me through those hard moments today.  


kellie j. said...

I thought of you this morning while I was trying to make baked beans from scratch (not sure why at that moment--maybe b/c i was trying to cook overseas?) and the other day when we got a new (QUIET!) washing machine. Praying that at some point, you'll be able to go back to them and share how even when He takes your baby into His arms instead of letting you have him in your arms, He is good. And being able to stand in that storm and cry out in grief and pain and confusion--and in the midst of it somehow be able to cry out (even sometimes with a question mark at the end of the sentence) that God is truly good, THAT, that will show them how big and strong and awesome and powerful your God is. Praying for that day to come and for you to continue to rest in Him, even in the moments when you feel angry at Him. Praying that you'll bang on His chest and cry out why, then let Him draw you into His chest and hold you tight.

Michelle said...

You know, it doesn't seem silly at all to think that God might have healed Seth so that you could go back and show everyone what a big and awesome God that you serve. But it's also quite possible that God didn't heal Seth so that you could go back and show everyone what a big and awesome God that you serve, and that you still believe in him and love him, even though he didn't act like you wanted him to. It's one thing to have faith when God does just exactly what you want, and he shows himself big and powerful...but it's a greater show of faith when you still love him and trust him, even when he does something like allow your baby to die. Now THAT is faith that speaks loudly.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss and we are praying for you guys as you grieve. I hope to be able to give you a real hug very soon.

Carrie said...

praying for you sweet friends. Love you.