I
finished reading a great book recommended to me by a sweet friend who lost
their baby, I Will Carry You, the Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. It was excellent and hard to read at the same
time. Many times I felt as if she put my
emotions to words. Maybe that’s why I
haven’t felt like writing recently. I have been a jumbled mess of emotions that have been hard to describe.
One
of the things that the author, Angie Smith dove into as she told her daughter’s story was the story
of Lazarus. It’s a story I’ve read and
reread since losing Seth. Throughout
reading it, I’ve wondered why Jesus chooses to heal some.
From
day one I envisioned that Seth was going to be healed. After leaving our ultrasound appointment I
even thought, “Wouldn’t it be amazing to come back and tell them how big our
God is and how he chooses to heal our little boy? To show them our healthy baby.” You know, bragging about how God is amazing
and capable of doing only God sized things.
I know it may seem silly but I did.
As Angie touched on the story of Lazarus and how Jesus chose to move the
stone away from his tomb and heal him, she
so beautifully put to words my heart, although I inserted Seth’s.
So what are we to do
when we feel the Lord has failed us?
We have done every bit
of what we felt we could.
We trusted Him.
We called on Him.
We awaited His
appearance and even fought doubt as the days passed
Because above all he is
good right?
Then Seth arrived and
there was hope.
Maybe we even got caught
up in the fact that our hands were on the rock that God was going to use to
show us his glory.
I was there I believed.
And Seth remained in the
tomb.
It’s
tough stuff, being at the tomb that is still there.
Watching
your older boys run around a cemetery when they should be playing peek-a-boo with
their baby brother.
Having
empty arms and a chubby belly.
There
are lots of questions and praying to trust the Lord in Seth’s death.
But
there is one tomb that is empty and praying that he’d help me
through those hard moments today.
3 comments:
I thought of you this morning while I was trying to make baked beans from scratch (not sure why at that moment--maybe b/c i was trying to cook overseas?) and the other day when we got a new (QUIET!) washing machine. Praying that at some point, you'll be able to go back to them and share how even when He takes your baby into His arms instead of letting you have him in your arms, He is good. And being able to stand in that storm and cry out in grief and pain and confusion--and in the midst of it somehow be able to cry out (even sometimes with a question mark at the end of the sentence) that God is truly good, THAT, that will show them how big and strong and awesome and powerful your God is. Praying for that day to come and for you to continue to rest in Him, even in the moments when you feel angry at Him. Praying that you'll bang on His chest and cry out why, then let Him draw you into His chest and hold you tight.
You know, it doesn't seem silly at all to think that God might have healed Seth so that you could go back and show everyone what a big and awesome God that you serve. But it's also quite possible that God didn't heal Seth so that you could go back and show everyone what a big and awesome God that you serve, and that you still believe in him and love him, even though he didn't act like you wanted him to. It's one thing to have faith when God does just exactly what you want, and he shows himself big and powerful...but it's a greater show of faith when you still love him and trust him, even when he does something like allow your baby to die. Now THAT is faith that speaks loudly.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss and we are praying for you guys as you grieve. I hope to be able to give you a real hug very soon.
praying for you sweet friends. Love you.
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