I’ve wanted to write a little about what the Lord has been doing in healing my heart recently, but I’ve struggled to put to words with what has been taking place.
I remember last fall about this time of year. I was walking home after taking Calvin to preschool. It was a very foggy morning. (Where we live in Central Asia fall is pretty foggy, cold and often dreary the closer to winter you get.).
I remember thinking that maybe this grief thing was a lot like the weather that was currently surrounding me. That there are seasons in life where the fog is so thick you can barely see in front of you, but it always lifts.
As my mind went deeper into this analogy, I thought of the beautiful hoar frost that comes with the fog and what a stunning sight it is to see once the fog has lifted and the sun comes out and all those branches and plants glisten. I am always amazed at how of something so dreary comes something so beautiful, much like grief. That day I was hopeful that the fog would lift and the dark and dreary days of winter would pass one day. I had hope for spring time and summer it was a little comfort to my heart to know that things wouldn’t stay that hard forever.
It’s crazy how another little life can bring healing and also stir up grief simultaneously. There is something so sweet about new life and we’ve been drinking it up. The fussy moments, late nights are not as bad, losing a child sort of puts things into perspective.
Yet sometimes when I’m experiencing such joy, tears well up in my eyes as I grieve never being able to drink in these type of moments with Seth. They catch me off guard most times. Mid diaper change, in the rocking chair, observing a squinting face that was just blasted with winter wind. It reminds me of what we never experienced with Seth, yet at the same time I’m inexplictbly thankful that I am able to experience them with Judah.
I’m sure that over the years there will be more of these moments and I’ll continue to grieve the lost moments, yet I’m looking forward to eternity, it will far out shadow these momentary afflictions.