Four

I guess it’s finally time to blog about our news.

We’re expecting our fourth little one. 

I’m now 4 months along.  16 weeks and feeling this little ones movement, which has been a huge relief.  And I'm starting to look pregnant.  I guess your 4th baby your body just remembers what to do.  I have a feeling I'm going to have to pull out the maternity clothes pretty soon.

This pregnancy has been wrought with a heavy load of fear and trepidation, which has been more difficult than all the physical nausea.  Although our hearts really wanted another child.  It’s gripped me in a way I didn’t expect.  Since losing Seth, we have been thrust into a reality that not all pregnancies result in a healthy baby.  Before our life changing ultrasound with Seth, I had an innocent outlook on pregnancy.  Even though I’ve experienced scary things with both Calvin and Micah that innocence was still there, because despite all my complications we were able to take home two healthy babies.  After losing Seth that innocence has been stripped of us. 

For the longest time I didn’t let myself connect with this little baby, although my heart desperately wanted to.  I guess it was self-protection and I just marked time waiting until I might lose this sweet gift of life. 

I’ve never been one to struggle with fear or anxiety, but this pregnancy has been filled with it.  It wasn’t until a few weeks ago I felt the Lord’s peace.  Not in the sense that everything was going to be okay and that we were promised a healthy child or even to be able to hold this one.  But that he’d walk beside us through it all.  I was smacked upside the head with the fact that I was dismissing his goodness and ultimately I was not believing God for all he is.  It was huge and it was at that point I let myself dream about this little one.

Dream about life with 3 children on this earth….again

Dream about baby quilts, names, wondering whether we’d have another little one with light hair.

The dreaming continues.

So I’d love your prayers. It’s a daily battle of choosing to live in God’s love rather than fear.

Each ultrasound comes with nauseating fear, but I’m praying I’ll trust the Lord with whatever he has in store for this little miracle.  We’re thankful that we have the privilege to have another child.

And for those of you wondering about my due date.  It’s right smack in the middle of birthday madness week.  October 7^th.  However I have never made it to my due date, but wouldn’t it be something if I did, 4 birthdays in a week timespan.  That would be a wild blessing.