Wednesday, March 05, 2014


Marvin and I had the opportunity to stop by the cemetery without the boys on our way to Tennessee while we were in the states.  It was dusk and getting dark, and we needed to get on the road and make half of our trip that night, but our route took us past where Seth is buried and I just wanted to be close to the only earthly connection we have with him.

I have these moments that well up inside me from time to time when I wish that visiting our child's grave just wasn’t a part of our life.  That day was one of them, I wished that we didn’t have to drive down dusty country roads and stand by his place of rest.  I love Seth just as much as my living boys but on these days, all my heart wants is to love him through kisses and hugs and wrestling with him and tickles.  Standing in a quiet cemetery that evening with only the cicadas buzzing left me in a heap of tears and just felt like wanting to press an undo button and erasing that aspect of my life.  I wanted to rewrite my story, one where I have four living children instead of three.

Sometimes I don’t like the story the Lord is writing.

This fall as we met a lot of new people, I was forced to answer my least favorite question over and over and over (How many kids do you have?).  It wore on me after a while and I came to the point of just wanting to scream over the injustice of it all.

But then I felt the Holy Spirit convicting me of my attitude.    Through tears I felt this question stirring in my heart..................

“What is the greater injustice, losing Seth or that God's son lost his life for me, for the sins of the world?”

So I’ve been begging God that in those moments when I wish he wrote a different story in my life, that he'd change my heart into one of acceptance and joy.

Because his stories always end well and are better than anything I could ever pen.

No comments: