I missed
Seth as we soaked in this beautiful sunset at the sea this year. But I’m sure the sights of heaven that Seth sees daily are far
richer and far more beautiful.
This
picture takes me back to a sweet time of our excitedness to add you to our family.
Day
25 Sweet Gifts
Shortly
before I had our earth shaking ultrasound at 31 weeks and 5 days a friend of
mine who was moving back to the states had given me some fabric that she
thought I might enjoy. I was so blessed
because I really wanted to make something for Seth but just didn’t have any
cute new fabric that would be his own.
She gave me some cute whale flannel fabric which I quickly transformed
into new burp cloths just for Seth the day after they were in my possession. I was thrilled to be able to sew something
for him as I’ve loved creating things for each of my boys.
Fast
forward to the day we said goodbye to Seth.
I was sad that we didn’t bring the blanket that my mom had made for him
to the hospital, but the hospital staff found a blanket for us and it was the
same fabric that my sweet friend had given me back home half way around the
world. It was such a sweet gift from the
hand of God. That print was my
connection to Seth, even though my hands did not sew that blanket which I
wrapped around him, it was his print.
Thank you Caitlin, a million times over.
Day
26 Seth’s Age
Day
27 Artwork
Shortly after we returned home a sweet friend gave me this framed picture. I love that she used two of my favorite photos I have with Seth. What I also love about is that a local friend of hers made it.
Day
28 Memory
Oh
how I wish we would have recorded the two sweet cries we heard in the delivery
room. They were an unexpected surprise and brought tears and relief to our worried
hearts. Seth was alive and we heard him cry. I have felt that Seth gave it all
he could to give both Marvin and I each one special gift, a cry. We heard his voice. Even though we did not record it digitally it
is forever recorded in my mind.
Day
29 Music
Thankful
that I have eternity to look forward to.
I
cannot wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song. It’s going to be beautiful. Some days I’m jealous that Seth’s already
enjoying it.
This
is my attempt at bottling up Calvin’s squeaky voice I love so much.
I
know the days are coming to an end where he no longer says “Elegator” for elevator, or “I’ve
changed my remind”, instead of I’ve changed my mind. So I'm soaking them up and enjoying each and every one of them.
When
Seth died, the hospital gave us a box from Little Thunder. These gifts are still some of the sweetest gifts we have received.
My heart’s desire is to be able to love others in the same way. Pray for us as we investigate possibilities of
giving gifts to those who lose babies in Nineveh. My heart aches to be able to love on families
here.
Day 21 Sacred Place
My
newly acquired chair, I placed it in the space where Seth’s bed would have been
in our room. Sometimes it’s just comforting
to sit in a place where I anticipated him being. It’s a place where I meet with Jesus. A place I often pour out my broken heart
before our Father, a place where he is mending my broken heart. That is sacred.
I
did it. I reached my goal. Losing all the baby weight by 4 months postpartum.
It
feels good to meet goals. But what I
didn’t expect was to feel unsatisfied and sad at this milestone.
It
feels good to fit into the clothes in my closet.
But
there is a part of me that just feels pain.
Like
a little piece of Seth is gone. That
physical reminder that he was here is now gone.
I physically look the same, but I sure don’t feel the same.
There
are days I just long to hold him. I
wonder what our life would look like now juggling three preschoolers. Some days my arms feel heavy with the weight
of emptiness.
Some days
that crumples me to tears.
A
sweet teammate of ours gave us Tenth Avenue North’s album.
When
I heard this song it was the words of my heart that day.
The
truth is my soul often times feels worn. Not in a scary suicidal way but just
worn from the pain and heartache that is constantly with me. Worn with the heaviness of walking this earth
without a child, torn between the world I am living in and the one my heart
longs for.
I
love the part about wanting see Redemption win. I desperately want to see the
Lord mend my torn heart. Isn’t that the
beauty in all of this? That redemption
does win. Sometimes I just need a
reminder that He has already won…eternity awaits us.
