Away Part 2 {Vienna}

After we spent some time in Prague we made our way via train to Vienna, Austria.  We rented an apartment for our stay there and I’m not sure we’ll ever go back the hotel route unless we get a great deal.  It was so nice to put the boys to bed and to have some time with Marvin in the evenings where we could talk above a whisper.  Plus I could do some laundry so I didn’t have to do much by hand in the hotel and we came home with mostly clean clothes!!!  The apartment was only a couple blocks from the Metro and a block from a tram line.  It was so convenient to get around.

I’m not sure which city was my favorite.  Both were equally beautiful.  Vienna has been a city I’ve always wanted to visit since I was a little girl because my favorite movie in grade school was called Friendship in Vienna.

Marvin was wowed by the beautiful landscaping, and I’m not sure how many plants he commented on but it was a lot. 

We did a lot of kid friendly things in Vienna.  Our first stop was the Zoom Children’s Museum.  It was fabulous, we had to register ahead of time for a time slot and both boys could go to the same exhibit which was nice.  They loved it.  Micah’s favorite part was the rope and the puzzle in the submarine.  Calvin loved the ropes. 

Then we headed to the famous Prater Amusement park and rode the large Ferris wheel.  Micah wasn’t a fan, but loved the park just across the street.  Both boys loved this scary slide.  Micah was a little bullet going down that thing, and he makes my heart race sometimes, wish he had a little more fear in him.

We were able to take in Schronbrunn Palace.  WOW.  I was amazed at how kid friendly it was.  We stopped and ate a lunch we packed here.  Stunning views of Vienna.  We wish we could have spent more time in the labyrinth mazes, but we wanted to tour the palace before meeting up with a friend from my hometown.

The shock of the day was that Calvin loved the Palace tour, thanks to technology.  He was given his own listening guide and he entered every number into his listening device.  Afterwards he told me it was neat to see where the mother lived.  We were shocked that he actually paid attention to the entire 40 room tour. 

Micah however woke up from his incredibly brief nap right before we entered the palace.  Bad timing.  So I carried him through 20 out of 40 rooms on our tour, got my arm workout in for the day (in case you were wondering why Marvin didn’t carry him, Micah’s quite particular and when he’s tired it’s easier to not fight some of his requests and it kept him quiet vs. a full blown meltdown if Marvin picked him up.  We figured our fellow tourists would rather not hear a screaming child.)  It was very grand and I enjoyed learning more about the royal Austrian family.  They did a very good job of painted a concise picture of their life and included some fascinating details.

We met up with a friend of mine from my hometown for dinner and the park.  She showed us a great Chipotle like place and were able to take it to a park nearby and let the boys play.  Thanks K it was great to meet your husband and little guy and fun to see you while we were in town.

The next day we went to the Vienna Zoo.  It is hands down the best zoo I’ve ever been to.  It was neat to see some of the original enclosures and everything was so established, tall tress, large plants.  The boys were impressed.  I loved watching the panda bears, munch on their bamboo and the monkeys.  I heard Micah say, “Mama look", about a million times that day.

We headed back into town and enjoyed some Austrian food and saw this crazy guy practicing for a big slack line performance the next day.  CRAZY.  Calvin loved it because he actually knew what he was doing since he walked, with help, on a slack line a couple weeks prior during a picnic we had with some friends.

The next day we went to a music museum.  I figured Calvin would like it, but he decided he didn’t want to enjoy it before we went inside.  Although I think he had fun.  I enjoyed learning more about a few famous composers and seeing Beethoven’s spectacles was pretty cool.  I’m thankful Marvin let me enjoy that part of the museum while he took the boys to a more interactive part of the museum.

Shortly after that we headed to the airport and flew back home.  It was a great trip.

On the Eve of becoming a Family of 6

Today I found myself with lots of mixed emotions, eagerness, excitement, nervousness, fear, sadness, happiness, relief because tomorrow Seth will move up in the ranks of our family and the youngest child title will be passed along to his brother.  It has left me very weepy.  

Seth has been our baby, and even though we never got to experience all the baby things with him, he’s held that sweet tender place in our family.  In my mind it's hard to come to terms with the fact that he will be a big brother tomorrow. 

But here we are on the edge of adding to the family the Lord has given us and I’m sad.  Sad because life moves forward without Seth, and I miss my little boy and all the memories that would have been filled with him this past year.  Sad to think that maybe others will think we’re done grieving because the Lord has filled our arms again.  Sad because this is another thing we have to do without him.

I’m nervous about birthing another child.  Nervous about for his health and safety.  Nervous of what tomorrow will bring.

But there is a huge part of me that cannot wait to meet this little blessing whom the Lord has knit into our family.  My prayer going to bed tonight is that I would wake up in the morning with joy and peace in my heart and my heart would not be overshadowed with fear and sadness.  I’d love your prayers today more than ever.

Respite Retreat

We are so thankful that we had the opportunity to go to a Respite Retreat.  It was a questionable trip, and the fact that my due date was moved up made us very nervous about going.  We decided to pack and leave after my doctor’s appointment on Thursday if he gave us the green light.  Marvin and I felt if he was still high and I had not progressed any farther we felt okay going.  Although I was still nervous, and I mapped out hospitals on our route, we left for the 12 hour trip.

We were so thankful that we were able to go.  It was such a blessing and gift to spend that time with others who also had lost children.  Plus it was also fun to go on a road trip with just Marvin, something we rarely get the chance to do.

As we got closer to Tennessee I started to get very nervous, mostly because I had no idea what was in store for us that weekend.  Nervous about the emotions the Lord was going to take us through that weekend, and nervous to maybe met with some unexpected grief, that might just knock me down again.  But it was so good.

Overall, it was so sweet to be in the company of others who know a little bit more of the pain of losing a child.  I should not be surprised how the Lord places people in our paths, and were so blessed to connect with several couples.  Each of our grief has been and is different but there is a common heart bond and understanding of the difficulty and pain that this road involves.  Many things others said over the weekend resonated with our hearts.

Nancy and David Guthrie are so sweet and the Lord has gifted them with the ability to help those who are grieving.  We were so blessed by them.  For me our weekend brought up a lot of how I still very much struggle with fear about our living children.  To be honest sometimes I let fear win.  It was so good to be reminded to talk back to those fears with the Word.  Yes I may lose another child, but your word says…..You are always with me.  Your love never fails, etc.

Another gift was that I was reminded to not make Seth into an idol and to be present in my living childrens' lives.  It’s a hard to put words with the emotional tug of missing your child so fiercely and also enjoying the ones the Lord is allowing you to hug.

Lastly it was so sweet to enter into a time of worship together.  To be able to sing words, proclaiming together our trust in him despite the roads he’s led us down, blessed my heart tremendously.  The body is pretty amazing.  I’m so thankful we got to go and I'm so thankful to David and Nancy's ministry.

Celebrating Seth {on his first birthday}

This post is long overdue, but I did want to share how the Lord filled Seth’s birthday with comfort and hope.

We sent a few gifts for Seth’s stone back with some sweet girls who got to spend a semester with us.  It helped waking up in the morning knowing that something would be delivered to his grave.  I think that was probably one of the hardest parts of the day for me.

Our day started with a friend stopping by at 9:30 and asked us to go outside.  As we stepped outside, tears immediately swelled as we saw our family (the ex-pat community) standing out on the playground each holding a balloon.  We were blessed beyond measure.

They prayed for us, rejoiced in our son, and remembered him.  It truly touched our hearts.  Then we watched our balloons float to heaven.  It was good to be able to hug our family here on his birthday.  What a gift they have been to us this past year.

Calvin got to give away some bubbles and cars to some kids on our playground before we headed out for the day.  We had a few left over so we hid them around our playground for other neighbor kids to find later.  I love seeing the joy it brought Calvin to give things away.  Micah even helped pass out the bubbles.  I’m thankful we were able to do something like that as a family, to remember Seth.

Of course all our neighbors wanted to know what the balloons were about in the morning and was a good chance to explain it was our son’s birthday and our friends wanted to pray for us and remember him, yet another way Seth's life has allowed us to share our hope in Jesus.

Since it was warm enough we decided to take our picnic lunch to the river and Marvin choose the perfect spot. After a little hunting we found a great little off shoot, with the perfect little slide for the raft and all the sand and rocks Micah could ever want.  Marvin and I enjoyed watching the two boys he’s given us play.

 

After the perfect afternoon we headed home, picked up some pizza while two little boys snoozed in the backseat.

We sang Happy Birthday.  And enjoyed cake. 

It was a day we felt the Love of Christ.  Although we missed Seth and wish we could have celebrated by chasing him around, and watching him open presents and enjoy cake for the first time our anticipation of eternity grew on his birthday.  We are thankful for the hope we have in Jesus and that he carries us through days such as these.

**Thank you to all of you who love us through loving on others in Seth’s memory.  Our hearts were deeply touched.  Thank you so much.

Made It!

Not only did I make it to 9 months.  I’m almost 39 weeks along.  Crazy.  I’ve decided my body is incredibly unpredictable.

My fluid level remained high until 36 weeks, and things started progressing, and then one day it dropped and the contractions stopped.  So when we were actually ready for this baby to come, he decided to stay put, and pack on the pounds. I’m scared at how big he’s going to be.

The reality of this little guy’s arrival finally dawned on me today.  I haven’t really thought much about having a third little one to care for because honestly it hasn’t happened yet. I haven’t really ventured into thinking about sleepless nights, how Micah will react to a new baby brother, homeschooling with two little ones to take care of and trying to concentrate on teaching Calvin, recovery, traveling with three, etc.

So when I got off the phone today with the doctor to schedule his induction, it suddenly became real.  

Like…………..

He’s going to be here this week real. 

Oh my goodness our life is going to change real.

Wow.

I would be lying if I would tell you that I’m completely at peace about everything.  In fact many days it’s the opposite.  I’m scared that we’ll lose this one as well.

Part of me is nervous about having a newborn again, and that it will bring up more emotions and grief, which I’m sure will happen, but I think most of it is just uncertainty of how grieving will look with a newborn.  Stepping foot in the hospital is enough to relive Seth’s birth and the time we got to spend with him.  I don’t want this little guy’s birth to be overshadowed with grief, I want to be present and for the Lord to fill me with his peace and joy with his arrival.

My heart longs to hold a sweet little newborn in my arms.  To cuddle and to enjoy him sleeping on my chest, free of tubes, and machines.  I can’t wait for those moments, but I’m scared they won’t come.

We sang the song Sovereign by Chris Tomlin at a conference this summer and honestly was so hard to sing, I mean truly sing it to the Lord with all of my heart.  But it was freeing at the same time to release all these fears, hopes, dreams into his loving hands about this newest little one.  It’s a daily battle, but the Lord is Sovereign in my greatest joy, AND sovereign in my deepest cry, and as we’re about to welcome this little guy into the world that song has become my prayer.

Thanks for walking this road with me friends.  It’s been a blessing to travel with you.

Nesting {After Losing a Baby}

Nesting….it’s an innate maternal instinct.  I’ve fought it with this little guy, and yet it keeps persisting.  So after crying out to the Lord decided it was time to prepare a little for this little guy’s arrival and it’s been fun to replace some of those fears with excitement for this little man that we are very much looking forward to meeting.

So I now have a dresser full of baby clothes that are washed and folded (thank you so much Jen).

There are a few diapers and wipes ready to go in the changing table.

The little guy has a bed set up, with new sheets I whipped up.

I picked out fabric for his baby quilt.

And whipped one up.  I love how it turned out.

But it’s been a battle to get this far.  I have not let all of my fears disappear, and it shows in the little details of nesting….The diapers are still in the package, just in case we have to return them.  I’ve held off on some purchases because I’m not certain we’ll need them.

There is always a plan B floating through my mind with those items I’ve made. 

When packing the hospital bag, my number one priority was to get a little outfit in it ASAP, not anticipating leaving the hospital (a nice perk that I’m praying we get to do this time), but primarily because I wished I would have had something to dress Seth in as we held him for the first and last time at the hospital.  Plan B.

So as we get closer to this little man’s due date my prayer is that the Lord will give me peace about his perfect plan for his life.  We’re already thankful how he’s knit him into our family.

It's not meaningless

We had a really sweet time at a conference with colleagues and it was so good for my heart to have some time to unpack the last 3 ½ years. 

We both were able to have some precious time alone, a gift after lots of packing, moving, travel, etc.  Sweet Jesus time, without any other distractions. 

We enjoyed lunches without the boys and I loved being able to engage in real conversations.  It was what we needed and it is always nice to be around people who get the life we live, and have a better understanding of how it shapes you.

The past 3 ½ years have been some of the hardest years of my life.  It’s been filled with lots of grief.  6 months in we said our first good bye, and they just keep getting thrown in our face.  We’ve said goodbye to 15 families/singles in that time.  Many have had no choice in their departure, others moved on to new places by choice.  Regardless how they left, a dent in our heart remains from these precious friends and we treasure the fact that we get to spend eternity with them someday. 

Each week it seems like there is another family added to that mix and I’m left to wonder….

 “What is Lord is up to in all this?” 

I have a very fleshly perspective on this life, and from where I am sitting it’s hard to reconcile all of it.  But trust Him I will.  I’ve seen the treasure that comes from that.

We choose to trust him through the loss of a child, and Jesus has truly been our breath and light in a dark and suffocating place.

We’ve weathered some storms that can only be survived by clinging to the Rock of Jesus Christ and because of that, the depth of who we are has increased tenfold. 

“Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart.  But take these truths and day by day focus on them.  Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.”  John Piper

“Though you take from me I will bless your name!”-Shane & Shane Though You Slay Me

Small Talk

One of the hard things about being in a new place, is meeting new people.  I don’t actually dread the meeting people part, that part I enjoy, it’s the question I am asked every time that is difficult…..

How many kids do you have?

I knew a conference we went to recently was going to be hard due to this question, but I survived the question and answered it more times than I could count.

It seems like an innocent question, and one I’ve asked a thousand women myself, an ideal conversation starter, but for me it’s a constant reminder that we are without one of our blessings.

Currently most people ask me what number this baby makes, that question isn’t hard to answer.  It’s the follow up ones, what ages are they?  Are they all boys?  “Oh where is your third, I only see two?”

Some days it’s easier, other moments the tears well up like we lost Seth yesterday.

Comments like…”You must have a busy house.”

Or……

“Wow another little boy.”

All are yet reminders that yes we have a full house but there is one voice missing.

These are the things I’m learning to embrace as normal.  It’s the life I’ve been blessed with and it’s a constant balance of discerning how much to share with those I meet.

I’m thankful that I’m a mom to 4 boys, even if that simple question might bring tears to my eyes for years to come.

5, 6, 7, 8

Well I’ve been a little slacking on the blogging.  Life just hasn’t given any time to sit and let my fingers unpack and capture a few things with words. 

I’m thankful that we are settled in the house where we will spend our time in the states, that I have a good game plan for homeschool this fall, and that I haven’t had to touch a suitcase in a week.

Many have asked about this pregnancy and it’s been a journey in trusting the Lord.  In fact just in the last week have I even let myself prepare for his arrival.  There are still moments when the “what ifs” hold my heart at ransom but the fact that he’s going to be here in about a month (by my gut) and this little innate nesting thing have helped me prepare a little more.

To sum up this pregnancy I think Calvin puts it best when he prays for his new brother,  “Lord, please help this baby not die right away, and for it not to have any problems like Seth did.”  Some days those prayers from his little lips bring tears to my eyes.  My little Calvin doesn’t want to see pain again, and wants to play with this little brother.  His mama feels the same way.

So it’s been hard, and it’s been a daily battle to enjoy this little man and not be gripped by fear.

Thankfully he’s looking very healthy, no signs of hydrops but I do have an abundance of amniotic fluid.  So I look much more pregnant than I am.  We were able to see the perinatologist and all test came back normal, although the excess fluid it puts me at risk for preterm labor and stillbirth.  All things that came with the diagnosis of polyhydramnios with the other boys, but those words are very real to me now.  I have emotions tied to them and pray desperately the Lord will keep this little guy safe in my womb until 36 weeks.

My OB tried to reassure us that things are looking great and that even if he does come early I’m getting to the safe point, where the death rate for preemies drops to 2%.  What he meant for comfort, didn’t take root  in my heart because we’ve had a baby in that 2%, we know that it’s possible, that only the Lord knows the number of our days.  The thought of it happening again is terrifying.

Thankfully the perinatologist is monitoring me weekly, with ultrasounds.  It’s been good for my heart to have that reassurance that he’s still okay on a weekly basis.  Plus getting a peek at our guy each week has been fun.  We’ve been told he already has hair and he’s got some pretty sweet cheeks that I can’t wait to smoother with kisses, in a month.

I’m having some consistent contractions and trying my best to rest when I can and let my crazy boys run circles around me.  Marvin and I would really love to attend a conference for parents who have lost children in Nashville on Labor Day weekend.  But if this little man comes before then, we’re just praying he’ll be healthy and safe.

Thanks for continuing to pray for us and for the health of our 4^th son.

Parks of Prague

Marvin was busy all day in class for 4 days of our vacation so the boys and I explored some amazing parks in Prague. 

Oh my goodness I had some serious park envy.  I love the park culture of overseas life.  Honestly it's been sad seeing these beautiful parks in the states deserted, no one playing in them.  I love how they are gathering points for moms, grandmas, nannies, etc.  Living in apartments it's so nice to have spaces to let the kids run around, and honestly walks are expected part of being a little kid.  There are times I would love to have my own little back yard playground, but love the social element of engaging with neighbors at the park multiple times a week.

Petrin Park (top of the hill)

Petrin Park bottom of the hill

.

My favorite park in our city is about a 20-25 minute walk from our house that has been such a blessing and break from our usual park we frequent the most, but oh my goodness these parks had some pretty fabulous equipment.

Just look at it.  My monkeys were in heaven.

Petrin Park (Top of the hill)

 Petrin Park (Bottom of the hill)

In the middle of a francisan garden

We thought these were pretty fun bikes

Children's Island Park

 The water fountain was a big hit with Calvin, despite how cool it was that day.

It was nice how this park separated the big kid stuff from the preschool toddler areas.

It was on a little island, which added to the fun factor.

And it had a pirate ship, which made both my pirate loving little boys happy.

Up, Up and Away part one {Prague}

In the midst of a busy time of year, we had the opportunity to take a family vacation.  We are so glad we could get away for a couple weeks.  It was nice to get away from the stress of living where we live and just enjoy family time, while being in some pretty fascinating places.  

This spring brought some unexpected heaviness on my heart.  I felt like I was in a good place in this grief journey until we got closer to Seth's first birthday.  So even though our vacation was timed during a BUSY time of year (i.e. prepping to go to the states for 6 month and moving) it was such a gift to have some time to step back, reflect, grieve and spend some extra time with the Lord.

Marvin was already traveling through the capital and had been gone for a week prior to the trip, so the boys and I hopped on a plane and met him at the airport up north for our connecting flight.  It was the smoothest flying experience ever.  Thanks to be to a gracious God and whoever invented the kindle fire.  New shows always lead to quiet kiddos, that and snacks I never buy for the boys which make their day.

We met up at the airport a little earlier than planned, I abandoned the plan to let the boys play for a while in the airport playroom due to some tired grumpy kids and we surprised Marvin a couple hours earlier than planned (because I was done with the single parenting, tired and figured it was best not to subject other little kids to Micah's possessive toy hoarding when he's exhausted).  It was good to be together again.

We went a couple days early so we could check out the major sites, although not inside most places.  (We decided museums are much better explored with older children who know a little more about history and with longer attention spans.  After seeing that bribing Calvin with ice cream was not going to work during our first museum it became apparent our family was not ready for museums.) So we just enjoyed the beauty of Prague and had fun while we were at it.

Calvin did learn a bit of history while we were there.  The one museum we went into was in the Jewish Quarter and I explained a little bit about WWII and a little bit about Hitler, i.e. a very bad guy who didn't have Jesus in his heart and wanted to hurt people he didn't light.  We saw a star and several pictures of Jews who had to wear them.  He remembered that quite well especially as we made our way to our second city asked more questions about why he would hate people like he did and why he was so mean to them.  I'm sure with his incredible memory he'll remember that little piece of history.  What a gift to be able to step food in such historical places of the world.

My Favorite thing in Prague:  Prague Castle, so charming

Calvin’s favorite:  The crazy climbing webs

Marvin’s favorite:  Architecture and atmosphere

Micah’s favorite: Trains {metro and trams}

American Soil

Hey friends.  Our feet are now on American soil.  It was a whirlwind of a June, which can explain the silence on my blog, which I hope to update soon.  I don’t ever recommend moving right before heading to the states for 6 months.  However as we were packing up Marvin mentioned that it was the longest place we had ever lived in our almost 11 years of marriage.  I am so thankful to not have had to move for 3 ½ years.  We just moved our stuff to our temporary one bedroom apartment, and we hope to find something a little bigger when we get back.

Right before we left I jotted down a top 10 list of things I’m looking forward to while we are in the states.  Here’s my list………

1.       Seeing Seth’s Stone.  It’s been really tough not being able to physically visit the cemetery.  I’m not sure what to expect, but my heart truly longs to just sit by his stone.

2.       Grandparents.  Having our parents close enough to watch the boys for a couple of hours every now and then is amazing.  It’s one of those things that I really miss living so far from them.  I am thankful for the times we have a nanny, but it’s something different when they get to make memories with their grandpas and grandmas at the same time.  ***We’ve had more dates this past week in America than we had in the last year in Nineveh.  Thanks Mom and Dad, we needed it.

3.       Meeting family members we haven’t yet met.  Can’t wait.

4.       Almond milk & Sweet Potatoes.  These two foods top my list of things I plan to eat plenty of while in the states.  This whole lactose intolerance thing sure is a pain, but for 6 months I can just pop on over to the store and buy almond milk vs. making it.

5.       Seeing the doctor. I’m not sure what to expect.  My only birth in the US was filled with a room full of doctors and I didn’t even have a regular OB, only saw a perinatalogist.  So I have no idea what to expect but thankful to have regular care starting in my 3^rd trimester.

6.       Being able to buy strawberries past June!!!

7.       Spending time with sweet friends.  We’ve missed hanging out with you.

8.       Cooperate Worship.

9.       Target/Grocery stores

10.   Parks